Saturday, November 29, 2008

My two sweeties...

This was taken a couple of weeks ago, but I realized that I never posted it. I love this picture of the two of them. So sweet. Makes my heart smile.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful day everyone! Enjoy the time you spend with your families!

I am so thankful for:
Brandon and Nathan- We have such a strong love between us. They light up my whole world.
My mom- She is so amazing. I don't know what I would do without her.
My family- We are loud and crazy sometimes, but I am so thankful that I have them in my life.
Our house- It is so nice to have a place to call our own. I love waking up here each day. I am looking forward to decorating for Christmas tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle Day 14, IUI update

We are back!

Everything went just great. No problems and very smooth.

Nurse said that the initial counts looked good. Although we won't know the actual numbers until Monday because they take a couple of days to count up. But she did say that they wouldn't do the IUI if they didn't think that the counts were good enough. So that is good news. Anyway, I am resting on the couch today. Hanging out at home, my mom is watching Nathan and is going to bring him back this afternoon. Brandon went in to work for a couple of hours but he is bringing back some Mexican food tonight. He was really sweet in the IUI room. Held on to my belly and said "Let's make a baby!" It was nice to have him there with me and holding my hand.

Several people have asked me if an IUI hurts. Not really no. They place a speculum, similar to a pap smear. I felt a slight pinching when the catheter passed through my cervix and some mild cramping afterwards. Now I feel normal.

So we will know in 12-14 days! :)

IUI #1, Cycle Day 14, IUI today!

Well we are off to have our IUI! :) I'm feeling really good this morning. Ready to get the show on the road. I will update when I get back.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle day 13

I got a peak reading on my monitor this morning!! So I have been on the phone for an hour trying to coordinate schedules. Had to call hubby, my mom, and the fertility office. Back and forth...

Anyway, Brandon's appointment is tomorrow at 9:30 and mine is at 11:00. They have to have time to wash and prepare the sperm so that is why there is a gap in timing.

Hopefully, everything goes well. My mom is keeping Nathan tomorrow. And I plan on resting the rest of the day. Dr. B doen't really require bedrest per se but I figure that it can't hurt. Don't want the little swimmers to be caught in gravity and fall out. Am I paranoid? Um...yeah.

The timing actually isn't what we were hoping for as Brandon will have to take off work to be there. But, it is what it is.

So tomorrow is the big day! I'm excited and nervous. Feeling good some moments and not so good the next.

I will update after our appointment tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle Day 11

I got a high reading on my monitor today. One step closer to peak! It set in this morning that this is actually happening. I'm really excited but so nervous at the same time.

In a moment of panic, I almost thought about not doing the IUI this month. I'm scared about having another child. How on Earth could I possibly love another child as much as I love Nathan? Would that child not mean as much to me as he does? How can I divide my love and time between two? The love I have for Nathan is like nothing I have ever felt before. Will I be able to experience that same feeling again?

I was told by my mom that it is a common fear that all mothers have. She said that no matter how many children you have you love them all. Hearts just keep growing. :) That made me feel a little better, so for now, the panic has subsided and we are all set to go!

Some months I have two/three days of high before a peak reading and some months I have six/seven days of high before a peak reading. It just all depends. :)

Friday, November 21, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle Day 9

My monitor prompted me to test this morning. And today is CD9 and I am at Low fertility. Exactly what I would expect at this time in my cycle. If you aren't sure what I mean by monitor. I will explain. I use a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor.

This little contraption is genius. It detects rises in TWO hormones during the menstrual cycle. Luteinizing hormone and estrogen. Estrogen increases the closer that a woman gets to ovulation. When a high level of estrogen is detected the monitor will switch from saying "low" to "high" fertility. LH increases when ovulation is imminent. When a high level of LH is detected, the monitor will switch from "high" to "peak" fertility. When I see peak fertility, I will call the office and have my IUI the next day.

The monitor also has a built-in computer. It keeps track of your cycles over months or years and will prompt you to test whenever it thinks that you are getting close. For example, earlier on in my monitor usage, it had me test on CD7. Now that it knows that I am a late ovulator, it waits until CD 9 to have me start testing.

The monitor is kinda pricey, however, worth it! It takes all the guesswork out of the equation. No more going blind from trying to read ovulation sticks. :) Plus it lasts forever! I have been using this since we were trying to get pregnant the first time.

Granted, I pretty much know when I am ovulating anyway. I am a pro at this, afterall. I feel a twinge and know that I just popped out an egg. When you have been trying a long time, you just learn to look for these things. :) However, the monitor is nice because we really have to be precise in our TTC efforts. It is comforting to have outside assurance.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Going back to work, for real this time!

So I have talked about going back to work in some past posts. But nothing has really called to me, and no position really fit my needs.

Before I had Nathan, I worked as a RN at a freestanding birth center (I say freestanding because some hospitals are calling their OB units 'birth centers' and it can get confusing). Anyway, this place is basically like an old house that midwives have converted into a birthing center. It is a really nice place and I loved working there. I was actually the head RN there and really enjoyed my job. The one drawback to working there was the fact that toward the end (and one of the main reasons that I stopped working there) I started to disagree with one of the midwives. We just had a lot of friction between us and I would have handled some clients a little differently. Incidentally, she was also my midwife and the person that was present at Nathan's birth. So that had a lot to do with it. If you aren't aware, my birth with Nathan was very traumatic for me and one of the main reasons that I will never step foot in a hospital to give birth again. Anyway, so we didn't really get along well. However, I loved the other midwives in the practice. They were and are amazing women and I really enjoy working with them. I loved the office ladies. Super cool and easy going.

Well, low and behold, last week. The office manager, who I absolutely adore, called and said that the midwife that I had issues with has decided to leave the practice. The office manager asks me if I would be willing to come back! And of course, I said yes!

Being a birthing center, the hours will be very sporadic. I will "take call" on the weekends. And if someone happens to go into labor on my call shift, I will go in. The great thing about this is that I can still be a SAHM through the week. I don't have to give up time spent with Nathan. And if I do need to go in, Brandon will be here with Nathan, so we don't have to worry about any sort of day care situation.

It is also great because I love working with laboring mamas and their families. I love making sure that they get the birth that they have dreamed of. I love seeing babies come into this world naturally and the way that they are meant to arrive. I love the spirit in the birthing rooms. So calm and peaceful, yet so full of love and life force.

So I am pretty excited about going back. The office manager sent me some tax paperwork and I got that all filled out. I should start taking call in December!

Monday, November 17, 2008

So this is love...a story of a feminist who happens to be a romantic

My blog title "So this is love" comes from the movie Cinderella. Cheesy, right? Yeah, yeah, read on....

So Cinderella had a rough go of it. She was stuck in this house with three hags who ran her life. Poor Cindy. Left alone by her dad and now nothing but a maid (Granted a blonde, super-skinny maid with freakishly small feet, but I digress.) So the feminist in me thinks that Cindy should have pulled herself up by her bootstraps, got the hell out of there, put herself through college, and moved on. I mean, why on Earth was she just waiting around for a proverbial prince to come and take her away? What kind of message does this send young girls? That they need some man or even just someone else in general to save them. But the romantic in me, still cries every time I see that movie.

So Cindy and I have nothing in common. I'm a brunette with "more to love" for one thing. ("More to love" is my code name for plump.) I am not generally sweet or good-natured, as I can be downright sarcastic. I wasn't really oppressed growing up. I had what I now call, the "typical American" upbringing. Sure, we had lots of money issues and my parents divorced and remarried, thus bringing on the explosion of siblings. But honestly, who doesn't have a story like this anymore? I mean, the divorce rate in this country is out of control, but there I go on a tangent again. Anyhoo, my childhood was ok. Thankfully, I had an amazing Mama who is my best friend and generally the coolest person I know. And as a bonus, she never forced me to clean the cinders.

So in the beginning of the movie I always feel so sorry for Cinderella. I mean, clearly all the oppression has caused the poor girl to go nutso. She is talking to birds and mice and must be on some sort of mood elevator because no one can be that happy all the time. Anyway, the part that always brings me to tears isn't the end of the movie when we know that happily ever after has arrived. It is the part when she goes to the ball and has met the love of her life. Her world changes in an instant and her view of it is somehow even rosier than before. She sings that song, "So this is love". She never knew love like that existed and it chokes me up every time.

So where do my two sides meet? On one hand I am a feminist in that Cindy should do for herself and be her own person. But on the other, I am a romantic who adores Cindy's happiness over her prince.

For anyone that has known me for awhile, you know that I had never met my romantic side before I met Brandon. The feminist in me laughed at Cindy and her stupidity. Then, as cliche as it may sound, Brandon turned on the light switch and overnight, the romantic in me set up camp. How else would the raging feminist turn into a housewife? As a side note, Bitch and Animal have a song called "Feminist housewives" and it rules.

So this is love

So this is love, Mmmmmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch every star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
So this is love

Friday, November 14, 2008

The verdict

Well, we are going to go for it!

I realized that it is my fear of the unknown that made me hesitate. And fear is never a good reason not to do anything.

I think that my cycle was long this month for a reason. I think that it was meant to work out that way so that we could go ahead and get started.

So away we go!

CD 2 today. The plan is to call when I see a peak reading on my monitor. Then the very next day I go in for my IUI. We are going tonight to pick up some more test strips for my monitor and some more prenatal vitamins, just in case.

Tick, tock

So I have to let Dr. B's office know by today at 12. They like to know on cycle day 1 or 2 if an IUI needs to be planned.

Brandon and I talked about it all last night.

Something is holding me back. My gut is telling me that it isn't my time yet. And the last time I didn't listen to my gut, it was the biggest mistake of my life. But why is my gut telling me that? It seems weird. Or is it my gut at all? Is it my fear talking?

If it doesn't work:

-Then we will know that several cycles are going to be needed.

-I could lose my faith in the fact that I could actually get pregnant this way.

-Will it dampen my spririt for the Christmas holidays? I'm not sure. Part of me isn't even expecting it to work. Is that the right attitude to have?! No. Although, I can't be too positive because I would crush me if it weren't successful.

-Will it make me regret not waiting until January?

-Will it make me dread January and trying another cycle?

-Will I scold myself for being impatient? Probably. This is how I work. :)

If it does work:

-I can deal with having an August baby. I can deal with being big and pregnant in the heat. We can add another holiday to my birthday and our anniversary month.

-Can I let go of the vision of a winter baby? Probably. I would be pregnant on the Christmas holiday. I remember that time with Nathan. It was so special.

As you can see there are a lot of things going through my head right now. It kept me up last night (go figure) and it helps to write all my thoughts down. I will let you know what I decide. Brandon gave me the go ahead to make the call. However I was feeling today is what I should go with, he said. Thankfully, he is on board either way.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Talk me into it...

Brandon is trying to talk me into doing an IUI cycle this month!!! Eek...

We orginally wanted to wait until January mainly because we didn't want to have to deal with the holidays and organizing my cycle around it. Well, with my long cycle this month, it puts me ovulating after Thanksgiving.

- This actually times out perfectly. Brandon wouldn't have to take a day off work because most likely I would ovulate that weekend after Thanksgiving (if I continue to go along the same rate I have been).
-Allows us to go ahead and get started.

-Can I get myself in the right frame of mind in the next 14 days?! Seems so sudden. But then again, we have been trying for 9 cycles, so what are we waiting for?!
-If this cycle is successful, I would be due in late August. I have always envisioned a winter baby this time around, but as Brandon put it, "beggers can't be choosers." LOL! And air-conditioning is a wonderful invention!

Ugh. Can't decide.


Cycle 10 has begun. Ugh. I just don't know why we even bother anymore?! Why don't we just save our sanity and not try until we do our IUIs. I mean, clearly, what we are doing isn't working. As you can see I am a tad bitter this morning. Had a really long 34 day cycle last month. Overall feeling really craptastic.

Such a short blog post. Oh well. These posts about my cycle are more for my record keeping anyway.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Letter to my eighteen month old boy....

Dear Nathan,

November is here and today you are 18 months old!!! A year and a half has gone by so quickly. It seems like just last week was your birthday party! You are just growing up so fast, I see parts of the sweet little baby changing into the fun toddler every day.

You are around 32 inches tall and 27lbs. You are so active and rambunctious. You love to climb. You have learned to pull your car over to the table so that you can climb up. You really enjoy climbing up to the light switches. You think that it is hilarious too see the lights go on and off. You are a very picky eater. Sometimes you like certain foods and the other days you don't. You throw anything that you don't like. It can get pretty messy around here. Thankfully, you are still nursing! 18 months was Mama's original goal and we made it! I am so happy that I could do this for you! Something new this month is your use of a fork. You have really mastered that skill and you now prefer the fork over using your hands. You haven't quite figured out the spoon just yet. Now that colder weather has arrived, you are beginning to go stir-crazy from being in the house. You really love being outside and it is hard to tell you that we can't go. We have been doing other things like going to the KidsZone here in town. It has bounce houses that you really like. You love to jump around and fall down. You still aren't very verbal with us yet. You are constantly talking in your own language and you get frustrated when we don't understand you. You really understand us though. We say "Let's go get Lucy!" and you run back to her crate. We say "Are you thirsty?" and you run over to the fridge. I can't wait until you can tell us what you are wanting. Hopefully soon. Speaking of Lucy, you love her. You have some of your best moments of the day playing with her. You crack up every time she chases you around. This past month was Halloween. You went trick-or-treating for the first time! You were a punk rocker. So cute!

I can't believe that you are 1 and a half! We have such a good time together, you and me. I love playing with you during the day. I love watching you learn new things and be a rough and tumble boy. You are such a cool kid!

Love You,


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Birthday Honey!

This is me....eating all your yummy cake because you are gone!! :) Love you so much! --PB

Monday, November 10, 2008

Looks like we made it...

In two days, I will have been nursing Nathan for 18 months. When he was first born, I set lots of short-term goals and one long-term goal for our breastfeeding journey. My first small goal was 6 weeks because that is the time that "they" say that nursing gets a lot easier. Those first six weeks were filled with ups and downs. I had sore nipples and there was definitely a learning curve for both of us. Thankfully, we didn't have any major issues and we made it to six weeks. My next short-term goal was 6 months. 6 months was the time that I could begin solids and I knew that nursing would get easier after that. 6 months came and went and Nathan preferred nursing to solids anyway. My next goal was 1 year. I felt that if I gave my child a year of breastmilk I would be setting him up with the healthiest start possible. And we made it to one year easily.

Through all of that, my long-term goal has been 18 months. Babies and toddlers rarely wean themselves before the age of 18 months. Nursing strikes are common but can usually be resolved with patience and persistence. True gradual self-weaning normally happens between the ages of 18 months and 4 years. I knew that I would not be ok with him weaning before the age of 18 months. So my goal has been a year and a half of nursing. AND WE DID IT!!!!

Thankfully I have really enjoyed our nursing relationship over this time. I have really grown as a person and am much more confident in my mothering abilities. I just feel amazing that I did it. I pushed past the sore nipples, latch issues, teething, all-night nurse-a-thons, nursing through illness and injury, a nursing strike, nursing in public and the dirty looks from not-so-nice people, educating family and friends about why I was nursing this long, etc. The list goes on.

But I am not wonder-woman. I don't deserve a medal or any recognition at all for this. I am a mother. And this is what mothers do. I'm happy today because I could do this. I had the support that I needed from my husband. I had the support I needed from my family. The picture above is the platinum symbol for nursing for 18 months.

And I did it. Because I was so dedicated to this. I put my heart and soul into this and I did it. I can do anything! This feeling of strength and confidence is so amazing.

And for those wondering...My next and last goal is 2 years. If we make it to two years, then awesome! But if he decides to wean himself over the next 6 months, then I will still be proud.

Feel free to leave comments about nursing your little moments, biggest triumphs. Or if you don't want to post, just think about your nursing relationship today. Even if it lasted a few days, look back on that with fond memories. :)

Happy nursing to all! :)

Friday, November 7, 2008

It is a sad, sad day

Last summer, I was really trying to build up my freezer supply of breastmilk so that I could leave Nathan with a bottle of pumped milk. Little did I know then that my darling boy wanted nothing to do with a bottle. We kept trying and trying, but he would rather wait for Mama to return than use one!

So I had all this milk in my freezer. I worked really hard to get this. I can only pump around 1-2 oz at a time. So I had to pump multiple times a day just to fill one bag.

And now the time has come to throw it all away. :( I never thought that it would be this sad to see it go. This is liquid gold. I so wish that I would have found someone to donate this too before it "expired". Now this beautiful stuff is just going to get thrown out. :( Next time I have a child, I hope to be able to donate this a baby in need.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

I loathe/ detest/ hate

Daylight Savings time. The person that thought this idea up should be publically scorned.

Since the grand arrival of this trickery with time, Nathan has been getting up at 6:30. Why me?!! That was the one great thing about this child's sleep pattern! He could stay in bed until around 8:30 and I would get that little extra sleep. But Noooooooooo, now Mr. Coley Pants (what I call him for some reason) decides that the sun is up so he should be too!


Not to mention the fact that this crap isn't saving us any daylight??!!! It gets pitch-black dark ardound 5:30 now!! 5:30?!!! Are they freaking serious?!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Our appointment update

This will most likely be a long post. I apologize in advance but I want to talk about everything so...

The Buildup:

Well, I was extremely nervous going in. I have no idea why I was so nervous, I mean, we already know what we are up against. Anyway, I was super snappy with Brandon in the car. Sorry honey!

So we go in, and all those old feelings rush back in. It felt like we were back at square one again. I didn't like that feeling! Thankfully I brought a book to read to keep my mind occupied. A woman came in and I knew right away that she was an IVF-er. She just had that frazzled look about her. She goes up to the window and I hear her make an appointment for her pregnancy test. I silently wished her luck. Hope that it is positive.

It begins:

So back to us. I hear our name called and Dr. B is there to greet us. He gives me a great big hug and says how much he missed us and how good it is to see us. I seriously love that man. As we are walking back to the room he says "So I had to search for your chart, our administrator had it, so that as soon as we get a RN opening, you will be the first one to call." Then he said "So are you ready to go again?!"

We sit down and he asks about Nathan. Looks at a picture and marvels at how big he has gotten. Then he gets down to business.

Asks me first if I have been having normal cycles. I tell him that I got my period back at two months postpartum and have been ovulating very regularly since then. I tell him I was still breastfeeding and he says "Great!" Again, I love that man.

The Results:

Next up was Brandon's semen analysis results. I hear Brandon start to breathe heavy.

Count: 136 million ***This is an excellent number!! Dr. B wants to see this count above 40 million. So clearly Brandon is in the excellent range!

Motility: 50% motile ***Dr. B wants it above 50. So we are fine in that aspect.

Morphology (Brandon's issue): 1% normally shaped. ***Obviously not great, but exactly what we were expecting.

Overall the results were very reassuring. Brandon's issues are clearly not getting worse. In fact, his count and motility have improved over the results from 2 years ago.

The discussion:

We discussed the fact that we would not be doing IVF again. We stated our reasons as somewhat financial in nature, but also the fact that we didn't really want to go through it again. We told him that we were very lucky last time because our cycle really didn't go that well on paper. Dr. B agreed and said that Nathan was meant to be here. That got me a little teary. Thankfully Dr. B is used to that from me. :)

So we brought up the fact that IUI seems like it will be a good option for us. And Dr. B agreed!! He said that looking at our analysis results and the fact that Brandon had such high numbers allows us to believe that IUI will be successful. He remarked that 1% of 136 million is 1.36 million. That is more than enough good sperm. We only need one.

He really is optimistic about our chances. He said that he wouldn't do it, if he didn't have faith.

The plan:

He basically said that we can choose to begin whenever we want. We agreed to wait until after the Christmas holidays so that we can travel to see family without worry. So January will be our first cycle. He knows that I am healthy and have a very stable cycle, so we will NOT be using fertility medications right away. He wants us to call when I see a peak reading on my monitor. The following day, we will come in to the office and have our IUI. It is that simple. He wants to help us keep our cost down and avoid unnecessary testing and appointments. Have I mentioned how much I love Dr. B?!

If our first couple cycles aren't successful, we will re-evaluate our plan and decide if I should begin taking some fertility medications to increase the number of eggs that I produce to increase our odds at success.


I feel really good. I feel like this our best chances at having another child. Dr. B is very positive. Hugged me on our way out and made me feel so at peace with it.

So, in January, we will begin! I hope that you all with join me on that journey. I am looking forward to enjoying Christmas with Nathan and my family. Then we can focus on expanding that family.

The day is finally here...

Today at 3:00 is our appointment with our fertility specialist! I am feeling nervous and excited this morning.

My last minute thoughts of panic have set in. Am I really ready for another child? I can hardly handle the one I have now when he is in his tantrumy (is that a word?) mood. How would I take care of a newborn and a toddler?! Etc....etc...

Those are just my usual moments of panic. I have those all the time.

I am really nervous about Brandon's semen analysis results. We aren't expecting them to improve. What we are hoping for is consistency. We are hoping that his results are along the same lines as his results two years ago. Consistency in the numbers means that his morphology issue is not degenerative (doesn't get worse over time). So that is what we are hoping for today.

I will be sure to post after my appointment.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Tears of Joy...

Barack Obama is our new President. Words cannot describe my happiness. I am just overcome with joy. This is such a healing moment for our country. I am so proud to be an American today. I have never been prouder. I just am sitting here balling like a baby because I wanted this so badly. I worked for it, volunteered for the campaign and I truly believed that it could happen. Coming from someone who was a Hilary supported, I believe in Barack Obama. I believe in the USA.

I just saw a shot of Reverend Jesse Jackson crying. This is so amazing.

McCain is on now: Almost feel sad for the guy....almost. At least he is being kind. He is being polite and honest. It is nice. Although his supporters could have used a lesson in manners.

The beauty of this is, is that it was a landslide. America is ready for change.

I can't believe Indiana is too close to call!! WOW! :)

As an aside, I understand that McCain supporters are sad. I would be sad had my candidate not won. Hoping that you all find peace in this historical moment.

Rock the vote!!!

Today is the day! At last! Don't forget to vote today! No matter who you are voting for, your vote counts.
Plans for today:
-Playdate with a Republican mom. Not sure how this one will go today!
-I will not be watching TV at all today. I do not want to see anything on the election. Frankly, my nerves can't take it! I am mentally preparing myself for McCain to win. Only because I have to prepare myself for the absolute worst. But in my heart, I feel like Obama just might do it! What a glorious moment in history that will be. I am just happy to be apart of it! GO OBAMA!!
-I will also not be checking my usual boards today. I post on several boards with other moms but I will not be looking at those at all. Can't handle the nerves. Although I may not be returning to one of those boards. I just didn't agree with some posts there and find it hard to be associated with it. :(
Anyhoo, so Mandie is in her own little world today. Watching movies with Nathan and avoiding the news.
GO OBAMA!!!!!!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Pictures from Halloween!

Nathan was technically a "punk rocker" this Halloween! We tried to go for a mohawk but Nathan got a tad cranky with all the hair stuff. Not to mention that it was super windy out and his hair wouldn't hold up. So we went with two ponytails instead. Punky bruster meets pirate meets punk rocker. :)
My favorite part of the outfit!

So cute!

He really hates having his picture taken! But here is the whole outfit.

Ready to go trick-or-treating! We used the hood of his car to hold the candy! The candy was more for Brandon and I, but Nathan had a lot of fun!

And we're off!

We went trick-or-treating with my brothers and my mom. They went as Pirate football players! Mom and I were dressed for the game that night.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Back in time

Visiting Dr. B's office today was seriously like a time-warp. We went in for Brandon's semen analysis today. Nathan and I hung out outside because we didn't want to take a child in there. I would always get really depressed when I used to go in there for fertility appointments and there would be children in there. It was kinda like a punch to the gut. So out of respect for the current patients Nathan and I waited outside in the lobby of the building (there are numerous doctor's offices in one building). Anyway, as Nathan and I were waiting, it seemed so surreal. I mean, here I was, watching my toddler run around while sitting outside of the place where he was conceived. I remember that I used to sit in that waiting room and imagine what it would be like to have a child. Hoping and dreaming that someday I could 'graduate' from this place.

As I watched the couples and women walk in and out of the office doors, I felt myself feeling so sorry for them. I knew that place that they are in. I was there once too. It really sucks to be in a office waiting room like that. Everyone is there for the same reason and everyone else knows it. It kinda feels like an invasion of privacy. You catch yourself looking and each person that walks in and wondering what they are "in for" that day. Would they be getting bloodwork and an ultrasound? Were they here to find out if they were finally pregnant? Or were they first-timers and just beginning on their journey to parenthood? Whatever the reason, in the waiting room you could always feel a sense of solidarity. You were all in this fight together.

So as I waiting just outside this waiting room where I spent so much of my time, I wondered if I was truly ready to go through it all again? Could I handle the ups and downs? Could I handle the disappointment and pain? And at that moment Nathan came running over, giggling, and smiling. And I knew that I could handle anything, as long as this was my reward.

We find out the results of the semen analysis on Wednesday at our appointment.