Monday, December 29, 2008

IUI#2, Cycle day 20--Semen Analysis results

The nurse called with our numbers today. A little worse than last time.

Count: 28 million

Motility: 41% rapid, 21% slow Total: 62%

Morphology-Normal 0%, Slightly abnormal 6%

Overall, not too great. It is still possible of course, but we doubt it. Especially since my PMS symptoms have started. :( It sucks.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 15

I'm back!

Our IUI went really well. As we were leaving, I felt some ovulation pains! I am thinking that we couldn't have timed everything better!

We are busy today with wrapping and stuff.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 14--Oh my goodness!!!

So, God really was listening!!!

I decided to keep on testing just to be sure that I didn't see a positive OPK. And I got one today!!!!! Here is a picture! :) This is just perfect news!

Our IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:00am!

YAY!! I am so thrilled and in shock!! :)

Let's make a Christmas baby!

Monday, December 22, 2008

IUI#2- Cycle day 13--IUI cancelled

So my prayers weren't answered (go figure).

This morning I got a high reading on my monitor again (which is fine). However my OPK was even lighter than yesterday, which means that I missed the ovulation surge. Must have happened sometime last night.

So this means that my monitor won't ever show a peak reading. Which I expected because I knew that the Clomid would mess with it. However, it also means that we will not be doing an IUI this month because we missed the positive OPK.

I'm pretty depressed about it. I took the Clomid for nothing.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Remembering Noel

Isn't that amazing? I wrote to a woman that has a blog set up to remember our lost little ones. She lives in Australia and goes out at sunset to write their names in the sand.

I cried when I saw it. We are going to print out an 8x10 and hang it on our wall. Here is the actual blog post.

IUI#2, Cycle day 12

Still reading high on the monitor. I got a negative OPK, but it looks close to being positive. Crap. I just know that tomorrow morning is going to be the day. UGH! If we can make it through tomorrow then we are homefree. But if we can't, well then our IUI this month will be cancelled. Feeling really crappy today.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I heart nursing

19 months and still going strong!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 10

So after consulting my monitor's manual, I decided to get some ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) to "assist". I am just worried that the Clomid will cause my monitor to freak out and I won't get an accurate date. By using the OPKs and the monitor, hopefully I can be really precise about this. Overkill? Um...yeah.

OPKs are pretty basic. It is either positive or negative. This morning I was still on high fertility and had a negative OPK.

Last night, I actually prayed that I would ovulate on Christmas Eve. Can you imagine someone praying for their egg to pop out at a certain time?! Like God has nothing better to do than to ensure that my egg is released. What, with poverty and famine the world over, I am sitting here praying for ovulation. Insane? Um...yeah. Pathetic? Um...probably.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 9--Last Clomid and High Fertility

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I got a high reading on my monitor today. One step closer to peak and one step closer to this entire cycle going up in flames. Ugh. I can NOT ovulate before the 24th or on the 25th. I just can't. And a high reading now makes me suspect that I will be getting a peak reading soon.

Basically the only good thing about today is the fact that I took my last Clomid this morning. Glad that part is over. Now hopefully I begin to feel like my old self again soon.

Edit: I consulted my fertility monitor's manual and it says that if I am taking Clomid, I may see a high reading earlier than what I would expect because of the high estrogen levels. It also said that I may see more days of a high reading because of this. I am really hoping that is the case!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 8--Fourth Clomid and Low Fertility

Fourth day of Clomid today! Almost there. Last night I was feeling really crummy. Started crying for no reason and then got really depressed. I hate feeling like that. Anyway, tomorrow is my last day of Clomid. Hopefully the effects disappear soon after I stop taking it. I think that my milk supply is doing ok so far. Nathan hasn't really complained.

My monitor also prompted me to test this morning and I got a low fertility reading. Exactly what I would expect at this time in my cycle.

Mentally, I am doing ok. I am sorta starting to panic about the ovulation timing with the holidays and Brandon's job. I am just hoping that everything works out ok.

In other news, I called my midwife and set up a pre-conception appointment! It is January 7th at 9:30. I am really looking forward to that. Gives me a chance to talk about all this and really dicuss my future pregnancy and birthing plans. I'm excited. :)

Now, if only I could get this headache to go away...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 7--Third Clomid

So, I really hate this stuff. I feel so jittery and shaky. I just feel really crappy. I can't wait until I don't have to take this anymore.

Monday, December 15, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 6--Second Clomid

2 down, 3 to go.

Overall, I am feeling ok. Had lots of hot flashes last night. That wasn't fun at all because I would wake up an hour later freezing because I kicked off the blankets. I am also having some breast pain. Hopefully that lets up soon. My milk supply is still just fine. Nathan is enjoying the extra nursing sessions. :)

I can't wait until this part is over.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 5--First Clomid

Today is the first day of taking Clomid. I didn't realize that I would be so nervous about it.

Since the arrival of Nathan, it is no secret that I am a much more natural person. I have changed a lot. I am more hesitant to put things into my body now. I like being natural and not taking drugs. And now, here I am. Putting something chemical in my body, yet again.

The side effects of Clomid include: enlargement of the ovaries, hot flashes, pelvic pain, nausea, vomiting, breast pains, headaches, mood swings, etc.

In addition, I will probably have some loss of my milk supply. Some women do and some women don't. I am hoping that I am one of the women that don't. I am doing all I can to maitain it. Nursing lots, drinking insane amounts of water, taking some fenugreek, and hoping for the best. Regardless, I am sure that Nathan will keep right on nursing. I don't think it matters to him if there is milk or not. :) He likes the bonding time.

So here it goes, one down, four to go.

Friday, December 12, 2008

In memory of...

Noel. Today was your due date, my darling. You would be two years old today.

I love you so much.

Letter to my nineteen month old boy...

Dear Nathan,

December is here! This is one of my favorite months. I love being all cozy in the house and looking at our Christmas tree. I am looking forward to the holidays this year. I can't wait to give you your gifts on Christmas morning.

All in all, not much has changed since last month. You are still a really rowdy toddler! You love climbing and throwing things. You love playing with the dog on the floor. You have learned one new trick. You can scoot the chairs over the table and climb up there! You really scare me when you do that! You are up so high and I'm nervous that you will fall down. It has happened a couple of times and it is not so much fun. You cry and cry and then go right back to it! You are still really cranky most of the time. You have a lot of teeth coming in now and you are really in pain. Every night around bedtime you just start crying. It makes us so sad to hear you upset. I am really hoping that these teeth come in quickly. I can't figure out exactly how many you have coming in because you won't let me look in there. My last count was 6, but it could be more. Poor little guy. I do want to tell you that you have been such a great support to me this past month. Mama and Daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, and it isn't going so well right now. Mama is upset and cries a lot and you always comfort me. You know when I am feeling sad and you try to make it all better. My little hero.

I love you so much Nathan. You mean the world to me. You always have. And you always will.



Thursday, December 11, 2008

IUI #2, Cycle day 2--Ultrasound update.

Everything went just fine this morning. I did have a small cyst on my left ovary, but they are assuming that it is just from where I ovulated last month.

I got my prescription filled and I start taking the Clomid on Sunday, December 14th. I take that for 5 days then just call when I see a "peak" reading on my monitor.

All in all, very similar to last month, except adding Clomid in the mix.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

No time to sulk...

One of the bad things (of the many) about infertility is that the moment your period arrives, you really don't have time to sulk and be sad about it. Because it is the start of a new cycle and plans and decisions need to be made.

I have to tell the office by 4:00 pm today if we want to do another cycle this month. This time, Dr. B wants us to use Clomid. I will talk more about Clomid later, but basically it is a fertility drug that increases the number of eggs produced. I will be like a freaking hen house over here...

Anyway, the only downside to doing a cycle this month is the timing. It has to be very, very precise. I can not ovulate on December 23rd (or before) because Brandon can NOT take off any more days this year. I can not ovulate on December 25th because Dr. B's office is closed. Basically that leaves me Christmas Eve. Eek. Talk about pressure. Christmas Eve is CD 14 for me so IF I follow my pattern I will ovulate on that day. However, Murphy's law (and the fact that this kind of crap ALWAYS happens to me) tells me that I am going to pop out those eggs on Christmas Day. Ugh.

I don't really know what to do. The thing with Clomid is, that I have to have one ultrasound (costing $180) on CD2 to make sure that I have no cysts on my ovaries.

So, worst case scenario: We go ahead with the cycle, then I end up ovulating on Christmas Day. Well then we would just try the "old fashioned" way and possibly be out the $180.

Thankfully, Clomid isn't that expensive. It is on the $4-9 list at all the pharmacies.

I think that we are probably going to go for it. So, I ovulate on Christmas, big deal. We don't do the IUI, but we have two or three eggs to shoot for.

Wish us ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:00. I will update after that.


I am nothing if not predictable....

Cycle number 11 has arrived. It sucks. I knew it was coming and it still sucks. Not really sure about the plan for this month. We may be doing another IUI cycle because Brandon has two weeks off work around Christmas time. This way he wouldn't have to take off work at all. I left a message for Dr. B asking if we should be trying some Clomid or something. Clomid is a pill that works to increase the number of eggs that are released, thus giving us more "targets" to shoot for. We will see what he says about that.

All in all, it is a pretty craptastic day.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I had a great night last night!

So I have been feeling really down the past couple of days because of the IUI cycle and the fact that it didn't work this time. Last night was my monthly homebirth support group meeting and I wasn't sure that I was really up to going. I mean, it is hard to be around pregnant women and brand new babies. But I decided that I really did want to go. It was the "Meet a midwife" day and I was super excited to see my "future" midwife. I had met her a couple of times before during the meetings and I just love her. Out of all the midwives there, we had such a great connection and I instantly felt close to her.

Anyway, so last night we had a really great group and a nice dynamic. We were able to talk about homebirthing and why we were choosing that path. The midwives answered all sorts of questions and really did a great job of presenting their practices to the group. "My" midwife was really sweet, answered all the questions that I had, and made me so excited to have our next baby.

So eventually, the topic changed from our future birth wishes to our birthing past. Several of us had really traumatic experiences in the hospital setting. It was so nice to be able to talk about Nathan's birth in a safe place and really process through what happened to me. By the end of it, we were all crying. I just really finally started to grieve for what was lost in Nathan's birth. I lost my confidence as a mother and a woman that day, and it was so helpful to be able to talk about that. No one said "but the most important thing is a healthy baby." I often hear that when I talk about Nathan's birth. And while the health of the baby is so important, my mental and physical health is also very important too.

My midwife came over and gave me a big hug. She said that I have something great in store for me. She asked me to go ahead and set up a pre-conception appointment so that we could get to know each other better and so that I could meet the other midwife in her practice. I just really love her. She is so calm and such a bright presence. I am just really looking forward to having our next baby at home. I just can't wait!

Someday soon, I will post Nathan's birth story here. It is long and drawn out and really emotional for me. Maybe I will be ready to share it with the world soon.

Friday, December 5, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle day 23

Thought I would just give an update. Well not really an update per se, as I have no major news or anything.

I am currently 9 DPO/ Post IUI. Overall I am feeling pretty crappy. I am positive that this month was not successful. :( I just have this feeling and I know now to honor that. 7PDO and 8 DPO I had some cramping, which is slightly unusual for me because I normally don't cramp until I start my period. The cramping went away, but I am now getting some strong PMS signs. :( I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say, that I am sure that this month wasn't the month for us.

It sucks. Basically I am feeling really sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, and every emotion in between. Brandon says to not give up hope, but I know my body. It's just really hard. I hate that we have to go through this. I am trying to remain positive for future cycles, because we got such great semen analysis numbers, but at the same time, it hit me. If we can't get pregnant with the best numbers that we have ever had, then what makes me think that we could possibly get pregnant this way at all?

Blah...obviously I have around 5 more days until I will know for certain, but I am slowly trying to tell everyone not to expect good news.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Nathan and Lucy

Nathan and Lucy really are best buddies. She is so good to him. Here he is laying on the dog while watching Seseme Street. :)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

IUI #1, Cycle day 20: Semen Analysis Results!

Ok, so I am freaking out right now!!!

The nurse called with our count numbers from IUI day!

Post wash:

count: 48 million (this is really really great)

motility: 28% rapid, 44% slow Total motility: 72%!! (this is awesome!, they want it above 50%).

morphology: 4% 4% (slightly abnormal)!!!!!!! That is freaking awesome for us! We have never seen a number above 0-1%

Dr. B said that he is confident in this numbers. Even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, with numbers like these, IUIs will most likely be successful for us. I am on cloud 9 right now. Even if this isn't the month, I know that this will work in the future!!!!!!!! I can't believe it! Granted, these numbers aren't a guarantee for next time, but we now know how long to abstain before IUI day. :)

Monday, December 1, 2008

The waiting game

I can't believe that December is here. November went by really quickly!

Although I am sure that the next week is going to go sooooo slow. I am currently 5DPO (days post ovulation/IUI) and it seems like time has suddenly stopped.

I will know a week from today if our IUI was successful. But sadly, I am already preparing myself for failure. My lovely PMS symptoms are starting to appear and it makes me so sad. I always have a stuffy nose (don't ask me why) before a new cycle begins and last night I could hardly breathe! I have also noticed that I am really moody. I snapped at Brandon this morning for no good reason. My face also breaks out before a new cycle. I don't have that yet, but I know that it is coming.

It just makes me so sad, that we have to go through this. It is really just not fair. :( And I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Man, she is being so pessimistic! It is impossible to know what will happen." I know, I know. The sad thing about infertility is that it draws all the optimism out of those who have to go through it. I have to mentally prepare myself for disappointment because I want to protect myself from being surprised. Don't get me wrong though, a tiny voice in the back of my head is still hoping that this is the month. Because without hope, why do we even go through this?