Saturday, November 1, 2008

Back in time

Visiting Dr. B's office today was seriously like a time-warp. We went in for Brandon's semen analysis today. Nathan and I hung out outside because we didn't want to take a child in there. I would always get really depressed when I used to go in there for fertility appointments and there would be children in there. It was kinda like a punch to the gut. So out of respect for the current patients Nathan and I waited outside in the lobby of the building (there are numerous doctor's offices in one building). Anyway, as Nathan and I were waiting, it seemed so surreal. I mean, here I was, watching my toddler run around while sitting outside of the place where he was conceived. I remember that I used to sit in that waiting room and imagine what it would be like to have a child. Hoping and dreaming that someday I could 'graduate' from this place.

As I watched the couples and women walk in and out of the office doors, I felt myself feeling so sorry for them. I knew that place that they are in. I was there once too. It really sucks to be in a office waiting room like that. Everyone is there for the same reason and everyone else knows it. It kinda feels like an invasion of privacy. You catch yourself looking and each person that walks in and wondering what they are "in for" that day. Would they be getting bloodwork and an ultrasound? Were they here to find out if they were finally pregnant? Or were they first-timers and just beginning on their journey to parenthood? Whatever the reason, in the waiting room you could always feel a sense of solidarity. You were all in this fight together.

So as I waiting just outside this waiting room where I spent so much of my time, I wondered if I was truly ready to go through it all again? Could I handle the ups and downs? Could I handle the disappointment and pain? And at that moment Nathan came running over, giggling, and smiling. And I knew that I could handle anything, as long as this was my reward.

We find out the results of the semen analysis on Wednesday at our appointment.


Syd said...

Oh Mandie, what a surreal experience.

Heather said...

It's worth it. Completely worth it. I don't know how I know that considering I'm not even a mom yet, but I know it is. And I know you do, to.

Looking forward to the results of Brandon's SA on Wednesday. My DH goes in on the 21st for his first post-op SA.

Hugs, sweetie.