Friday, February 27, 2009

Love will prevail over bigotry...

Watch this video:

http://vimeo.com/3089746

P.S. If you don't like what I have to say. Please delete my blog from your computer. Please see the comments section for an explanation.

Ok, I am turning off the comments to this post.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Update about IUI (or lack thereof)

The office administrator finally got back to us.

He said that the lab technician made an error and the semen ended up not making it to the appropriate location at the right time (explains why we were waiting for 5 hours). Resulting in sperm death. He tried to explain the mechanics behind everything but honestly I kinda glazed over during his whole spiel. It doesn't really matter how it happened, the point is making certain it won't happen again. And he said that they would be changing some things in the lab to streamline the process because of this event.

He also used this time to get my feedback on the practice since I said in a voicemail that I was really unhappy with the office prior to this weekend. So I used that time to tell him all about the nurses and those issues.

He ended the phone call by thanking me for trusting them with all this. Our next cycle is paid for and I am encouraged to call him directly with any issues that arise. He will handling our cycle personally next month.

All in all, it sucks. I mean, one month to me is like a lifetime. And I explained that to him. I am just pretty down about it. But we are hoping that next month is it for us. We will probably be doing a trigger shot so that I know exactly when I am ovulating. Then we will be doing two IUIs. One on O day and one the day after.

Hoping for a December baby, I guess.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

IUI #4, IUI cancelled

IUI cancelled.

Due to lab error in the washing process, the sperm died.

Heartbroken right now.

Friday, February 20, 2009

IUI #4, Cycle day 13

Positive OPK today!

Scheduled IUI for tomorrow AM. The only problem is that we can't find a sitter so we will have to take Nathan with us. We have to leave here at 6:30. Gonna be a long day.

Edit- Thank heaven for my in-laws! They are coming up tonight so that they can stay with Nathan tomorrow morning. Whew...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Crossroads

I am at a point in my life where I have reached a crossroads in my career path. I have been thinking a lot about going back to school to get my Masters degree and I have recently found a program that allows me to do that online (except clinical hours, those are completed throughout the community). Anyway, I have reached this point where I am just not sure what I want to do with my future.

I have two options that I am looking into.

1.) Become a Women's Heath Nurse Practitioner. This would allow me to work in a fertility clinic and reach out to so many who are going through infertility. I have been wanting to do this since we went through our IVF cycle and getting this degree would make it that much easier for me.

Pros:
-doing something that I am passionate about
-estimated salary is amazing
-many more job opportunities than option number 2
-the hours are perfect, work during the day, not on call, etc.

Cons:
-Would be under the supervision of physicians
-would have to move to a city which has a practice large enough to hire WHNPs, therefore moving away from our families


2.) Become a Certified Nurse Midwife. This is the main reason I went to nursing school in the first place. I have wanted to do this as long as a can remember. I would want to base my practice from home instead of a hospital or birth center.

Pros:
-something that I have always wanted to do
-love to help mothers during their pregnancies, labor, birth, and postpartum
-would only work with clients who valued homebirth therefore had the general ideals
-autonomy

Cons:
-liability and insurance. This is a big one. Being solely responsible is not something I take lightly
-less job opportunities because homebirth CNMs are hard to come by
-less money
-would most likely have to move and therefore moving away from our family
-the hours of a CNM are crazy. They are on call 24/7 and it is very draining on one's personal life.


I really can't decide. I have until April 24th to make up my mind and apply if I want to start in this summer. The beauty of online schooling is that I work at my own pace from home for the first year. That would allow me to be home with Nathan and a new baby (hopefully) for a year. Then I would continue my course work at home and attend clinicals for about 20 hours a week.

Lots to think about.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Letter to my 21 month old boy...

Dear Nathan,

Today you are 21 months old! I can't believe that in just three months time you will be 2. This year has just flown by so quickly. You are growing up right before our eyes.

This has been a really hard month for you and I. January 29th was the last day that you nursed. It all started with a stuffy nose and it made it difficult for you to latch and breathe at the same time. Right after that, you fell and bit your lip. This caused a sore to form making it painful to open your mouth. You nursed on Thursday morning and have not nursed since. I keep trying and trying. I offer all the time. We spent a lot of time just cuddling up and I was trying to show you how to latch again. However, you just pushed Mama away. It was heartbreaking for me. I miss you nursing. It went too fast. I just wish that I had savored our last session together. I wish I would have looked into your eyes and breathed you in. Since then, you are confused. You remember that you used to love "nummies" but you just aren't sure what to do anymore. You just lay your head on my chest and have me hold you. Mama has been pumping to give you milk each day. So you are still getting the good stuff. I am really going to try to keep it up until you are 2 because it was so important to me for you to have 2 years worth of Mama's milk.

In other news, you are such an inventive toddler! You have figured out to push the chairs over to the counter and are trying to climb up there. We have to keep the chairs in the other room because you try to get the knives! You can also climb up into our big bed. You think that this is the coolest thing ever because you can get into bed by yourself at night. Your words are slowly starting to come out. You can say Lucy, moo, quack, baaaaa (all animal noises from your farm book), da-da, nose, feet, night-night, wa (for water), and sometimes I can get you to say mama. You are taking your sweet time with words and that's ok. The weather has been pretty bad here so we have been in the house a lot. I am really looking forward to spring so that you can be outside.

I know that you will always be my baby, but you are growing up and changing so fast. I love you so much sweet boy.

Always,

Mama

IUI #4, cycle day 5

We had an appointment today with Dr. B. He obviously wants us to do IVF again, however we told him that we couldn't. Money, time, pain, drugs, etc.

So he thinks that we should do a couple more IUI cycles without Clomid but with progesterone after ovulation.

So that is what we are doing. I should ovulate next week so we are looking forward to that.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Busy week

This is going to be a super busy week for us.

I have my homebirth group meeting tonight. That is always fun. I really enjoy getting together with the other mamas and talking all things homebirth. They are really sweet and super supportive.

I have my pre-conception appointment with the midwives tomorrow. I can't wait for that! This has been rescheduled several times. Once due to weather, once due to the midwives being at a birth, and once due to the nursing strike. Hopefully all goes well and I can finally meet with both of them tomorrow! And just in time too. I have a really good feeling about this cycle. I have no idea why, just feeling really positive about it.

And I have my appointment with Dr. B on Thursday to get a game plan lined up. I am also going to talk to him about his nursing staff. Way too many problems with them to keep quiet.

By the way, Nathan still hasn't nursed. I think that he has forgotten how. He will put his head there and get into position but he doesn't know what to do with it. So I am pumping 3-4 times a day. That gets tiring, but at least Nathan is still getting mama's milk.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

13

Well folks, another cycle has arrived.

I was expecting it.

It still sucks.

I'm just not sure how much more I can take. If I didn't want another child so badly, I would stop. Infertility is like a slow form of torture.

We are meeting with Dr. B on Thursday to discuss what we should do. Most likely we will be doing another IUI this month, but without Clomid. Hopefully we will mess with the timing a little and change our luck.

I'm sad about what could have been.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

MIA

I have been unable to think of anything positive to write, so I have been procrastinating posting here.

This cycle is a bust.

Nathan hasn't nursed in a week.

Pumping is hard work and I am getting little output.

The weather has been really crappy so we have been stuck inside a lot.

I am pretty pissed off with Dr. B's office. The nurses are really crappy and have no clue what infertility is like. I have talked to this one nurse over 10 times on the phone, met her in person a dozen times, and she STILL has no clue about our history. Every time I call, "oh...hmmm...what are you doing this month? Have we done this for you..." It is so annoying. I know they have a gazillion patients but at least fake it! I swear.

So there you have it. My big, fat, negative post for the day.

As far as next cycle goes, who knows. We have an appointment with Dr. B next week to discuss our options. We won't be doing Clomid. We may be doing another IUI, but I'm not sure.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Doing slightly better today

I've been feeling really low. Almost into a depression.

I am certain that the abrupt stop in nursing led to some major hormone shifting. Now that I am pumping, I am starting to feel a little more balanced. Even though I am only pumping about an ounce a day. But I guess that is better than nothing. I am mixing the breastmilk into his pancakes in the morning so that he at least gets it. He won't drink it from a cup.

I am really trying to focus on the fact that I have nursed for 20 months. And although I didn't make it to 2 years (as recommended by all the major medical organizations) I still have given him a great start to life. And I am not giving up. I will continue to pump. I will pump until he turns two. So that he gets some breastmilk every single day. Even if it is just an ounce here and there. I will continue to offer the breast at all his regular nursing times. One day he just might surprise me.

And I am hoping that maybe if I do get pregnant, he will see the new baby nursing and want to try again.

I AM NOT GIVING UP!