Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's over.

Sadly, I don't think that Nathan will return to nursing. We are now 3 days into our strike and he won't even let me hold him.

I am beyond heartbroken. I miss that connection I had to him. I miss looking down into his sweet face. I miss the milky smiles he would give me when he was done. I miss watching him drift off to sleep with a look of pure peace. I miss breathing him in and cherishing his baby smell. I miss his little hand cupped over my breast. I miss him kicking his feet in excitement. I miss him running over to me with a big smile, when I sat down in our nursing place.

I'll never have that again. And my heart hurts.

Friday, January 30, 2009

I could use some prayers

I hardly ever ask for prayers as I think a person's prayer and who they pray to are private.

But I could really use some prayers right now. Nathan still hasn't nursed. I am fairly certain that it is due to a sore in his mouth.

If you could send up a prayer for Nathan and I to get through this. For him to heal and to nurse again.

I miss my sweet baby nursing.

Thank you.

devastated

Nathan is on a nursing strike. 2 days have passed since he last nursed. I thought it was because of a stuffy nose. Now I'm not sure. He fell a couple of days ago and bit his tongue. It bled at the time, but he seemed fine after that. He hasn't nursed since then.

I am beyond sad. I have moved into a place of depression. It was just so sudden. I didn't even savor our last session. I didn't look into his eyes and watch him. I didn't hold him close and just breathe him in. I miss it so much.

I feel like I've failed. I wanted to nurse him for 2 years. I wanted to tandem nurse with the next baby. And now, it's gone. I just keep crying. The tears won't stop.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

IUI #3, cycle day 21

I have had lots of people ask how I am feeling.

Doing ok right now. Having lots of symptoms that could signal a pregnancy. But honestly, I am not sure if they are just related to the increase in progesterone from the multiple eggs. Who knows.

I go today to get my progesterone level drawn. Thanks for all the support. Time seems like it is just crawling by.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Blizzard!

So far we have about 7 inches. It just keeps snowing! Brandon is home from work today as they closed the company. :) Going to enjoy my family together today!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

IUI #3, Cycle day 19-Semen Analysis

The nurse called back with our semen analysis results from our IUI.

Total count: 24 million

Motility: 70%

Morphology: Normal-1%
Slightly abnormal-10%

These are pretty good numbers for us. We haven't had a cycle where we got any normally shaped sperm. All our past cycles have been 0% normal and some slightly abnormal.

Crossing our fingers.

Snow, snow, and more snow

Woke up this morning to a couple inches of snow

Monday, January 26, 2009

I was tagged on facebook:

So I'll post this here! =)

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. I won't be tagging anyone else. LOL

1. I have seen every episode of Sex and the City and Roseanne way too many times to count. To me, there is nothing better than sitting down with a DVD and laughing my butt off.

2. I'm really not sure what I want to be when I grow up. When I go back to work, I have no clue what I will go back to doing. I have a strong calling toward infertility nursing, but I am worried that I won't find a job like that.

3. I think I finally found a new doctor today! I have been looking for a natural-minded doctor who is supportive of not vaccinating and breastfeeding. I left a message with her office last week and she called me today personally to invite me to come meet her! I am totally excited!

4. I think about having another baby every day. Sometimes my womb physically aches.

5. I think about having a homebirth every day. I am so excited to experience that. I can't wait.

6. Infertility has brought Brandon and I so much closer together. We are truly a team and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else.

7. I love white chocolate.

8. My mom is my best friend. She is one of those people who you can talk to about anything.

9. Brandon and I aren't really sure what we will do if this cycle doesn't work. Kinda scary to think about.

10. I wear two toe-rings. One on each foot. I have had the same rings on since I was 16. I never take them off.

11. I have three tattoos. A star on each foot and a flower on my back. The flower I got in Hawaii. I plan to get a new flower every time we visit. I also want to get a pair of pink angel wings for our lost baby, Noel.

12. Brandon has my name tattooed on his body! :) Well, he has the Chinese letters for "panda" which is what Brandon calls me.

13. I wore my belly ring throughout my entire pregnancy. It was only when Nathan discovered that he could pull at it when it had to come out.

14. Brandon is an only child, whereas I have 12 brothers and sisters. I have 3 full brothers, 2 half brothers, 2 half sisters, and 5 step brothers/sisters. Needless to say, Brandon was a little overwhelmed when he first met my family.

15. I have a strict cleaning schedule. Each room of the house gets cleaned on a different day. It helps keep me sane.

16. I adore cloth diapers. They are so cute! I can't wait to buy some new ones for a newborn.

17. Out of all of my college friends, I would have picked myself last for the one getting married. I was the first. :)

18. I really love hanging out at home with hubby and Nathan. Brandon and I play games and Nathan "helps".

19. I wear the "pants". :)

20. I can be very strongly opinionated and a lot of people can't handle that. In other words, I can never just "shut up" about certain issues. Circumcision, gay rights, and breastfeeding are all examples of this.

21. I miss my college buddies. They all moved away and I am lonely. It is hard to make new friends as a mommy.

22. I have two nephews and one neice. I suspect I will have lots more before all is said and done. :)

23. I take a Flintstones vitamin every day.

24. I have a boxer named Lucy. She is a really good dog and I don't show her enough affection because Nathan takes up 1000% of my time.

25. It was really hard to come up with 25 things about myself. :)

Lucy

Sitting like a good girl

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Chuck E. Cheese fun

He is having a conversation here...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Flowers from Hubby

Just because he loves me...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Nathan's new trick

Pushing the chair over to the lightswitch. On, off, on, off, on, off....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

IUI #3, Cycle day 14

IUI went well today. No problems except for a nasty nurse.

As she was doing it, I was having some cramping. And was kinda moaning a little bit. After she gets done she says "Wow, you are sensitive. Feeling every little thing like that."

Um, listen here lady: I think I have a right to be a tad sensitive. I am laying here under ridiculously bright lights with no pants on and my feet in tiny-ass stirrups. You are shoving a giant torture device (which you call a speculum) up my vagina. All the while shooting my husband's sperm into a place that is supposed to be sacred. I should be at home making love with my husband, so get off my back &*^$&.

Wish I could have said that to her.

Ahhhhhhhh


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

IUI #3, Cycle day 13 Positive OPK!


After some crazy moments this morning, I got a positive OPK. The first one that I took didn't really look positive. So I had to wait a couple hours and try again. Here is the picture of the positive test.


I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow at 1:00pm. Tomorrow will be a busy day! I have a preconception appointment with my midwives at 9:30am. But I am really looking forward to that. :) It will be nice to talk with them. I will update tomorrow after the IUI.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Glorious day!!

Here is my "I voted" sticker and the map I colored in on election day! I'm so excited today!! Many blessings to President Barack Obama and his family!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Coley-pants loves his pretzels

Coley-pants is a nickname Brandon and I gave Nathan. His middle name is Cole and he is never wearing pants. =)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Climb inside

Nathan and Daddy playing in a box.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Lazy days

This is where Nathan watches TV sometimes. Funny kid.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Thanks.

Thank you so much for all the love and support.

I'm still not really ready to talk about it yet. And I am not sure that I can put it into words. Every time I sit down to write about it, I break out into a cold sweat and start shaking. I am not sure that I will ever be able to describe what happened to me. Suffice it to say that it was a horrific and extremely painful day and I will never, ever set foot in a hospital again. Ever. If I am at a hospital, I better be dead or on my way to dying.

So I am really trying to move on from this. I won't really be talking about it to anyone yet. I could barely get the story out to Brandon in between my sobs.

Today is my last day of Clomid. Ever. We have decided that we are done with that drug. I start OPKs tomorrow and I am just waiting to see a positive.

Peek a boo

Always makes me smile when I am blue...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

IUI#3, Cycle day 7


I'm back from the HSG.

Results were normal. Tubes and uterus clear.

However, the experience was very traumatic for me. I'm not ready to talk about it right now.

5 years

I rarely talk about my marriage here. Mostly because TTC and Nathan takes up 100000% of my time.


But I am married to a truly wonderful man. I want to shout from the rooftops at how amazing he is and how lucky I am.


Today marks the 5 year anniversary of when we met. 5 years ago today, he was picking me up for our very first (blind) date. We met through a mutual friend who thought that we would be perfect together. We started chatting online for a couple of weeks and decided to meet on January 15th 2004.


I was so nervous. I saw the car pull up and debated whether or not I should go. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time and I didn't want to hurt him. He seemed so nice. But I put on a brave face and ran out to the car. I got in and turned to him and just knew. I'm not quite sure what I knew. But I had a strong feeling that something was happening and I couldn't control it.


Love snuck up on me. He creeped his way into my heart and has never let go. He is a great man. He never yells, always treats me with respect and love. Is a great husband, provider, and father. He prefers to be with his family and is home everynight. I won't say that we are perfect. We have our fair shair of arguments and we can be downright sarcastic. :) But that is us. That is our dynamic. And I wouldn't have it any another way.


I love you sweetie. Happy Anniversary.

In far less thrilling news, I am off to my HSG. I will update later.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Rub a dub dub

Bath time this morning.

Mama and Baby


Picture from Tuesday January 13th. Think he looks like me? He has my eyes. =) We thought at first that he would have Brandon's green eyes. But nope, Nathan had to prove us wrong. He has Brandon's nose (thankfully). LOL!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

IUI #3, Cycle day 5

My ultrasound went just fine this morning. Everything looks pretty good in there. =) No cysts or anything else.

I start my Clomid tonight. Then I have my HSG on Thursday.

I am also going back to temperature charting. This part is actually pretty fun! Basically I am doing it because it gives me something else to obsess over.

Here is the link to my chart.

Monday, January 12, 2009

IUI #3, Cycle day 4

I finally heard back from the nurse. They ARE going to code the HSG as a diagnostic procedure! Turns out, she had no clue what she was talking about. Hmmm....yeah I called that one!

Anyway, full steam ahead, I guess. I go in tomorrow for my ultrasound. If that is clear, then I start Clomid tomorrow. My HSG is scheduled for Thursday morning. Hopefully that goes smoothly. Then we use the dreaded OPKs again to determine ovulation and go in for the IUI after seeing a positive. Basically the same as last month, except for the HSG.

Thanks for the support!

Letter to my 20 month old boy...

Dear Nathan,

January and a new year have arrived! Today you are 20 months old! This is the year that you will turn 2! I can't believe that you are getting this big.

You are still such a toddler. You love to run and jump and play. You have learned a couple new tricks this month! You love to empty out the cabinets and climb in. You like to play peek-a-boo with us by opening and closing the door! You are so strong to carry all the pots and pans. You love to pretend to cook in them! Which is why Mama and Daddy got you a kitchen for Christmas. You really like it! We think that you may be a chef when you get older. In other news, you can now walk on your tippy toes, climb into the dryer, and throw everything in sight! You have a really good arm. We are still working with you on your speech. You sometimes repeat what we say, but it is hard to understand yet. We work with you everyday by pointing out objects around the house and saying the name of it over and over. You think that it is a really fun game. You are turning into a book lover. Just like Mama! You find books all over the house and bring them to us to read to you. You plop down in our laps and sit through the whole story. It is really cute. You are starting to sit up at the table like a big boy! You eat much better this way, we have discovered. Although you are still a pretty picky eater. We are working with you though. You also are kind of obsessed with opening and closing the doors. You love to go up and down the hall and open all the doors. Then you go back through and close them all. It is adorable to see you stand on your tippy toes to do this.

As you can see, so much of your baby traits are slipping away. You are getting to be so big. I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Mmm...lunch


Sitting at the table like a big boy!

Water boy

Picture from Sunday. This kid loves water!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Awww

Picture from Saturday. Such a sweetie.

Speed racer


Our picture from Friday. I took Nathan to KidzZone. He loves playing with the cars! :)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Vent

So as you'll see from my last post, I had everything worked out. We were going to be doing a HSG this cycle to be sure that my tubes and everything are clear. This is considered a DIAGNOSTIC test. A couple of days ago, I called our RE's office to get the codes that they would be using for our insurance.

[As a side-note: Our stinking (I want to say the f-word here, but I will refrain because that is a whole other post) insurance company does NOT cover any fertility treatments. None, nada, nope. No ultrasounds, bloodwork, IUIs, IVF, nothing. They do however cover diagnostic testing. They did cover Brandon's semen analysis and would cover any other testing for me if needed.]

Now, back to the drama at hand. So I called the RE's office for the codes. Talked to a very nice lady in billing with whom I have spoke with many times. She gave me the codes for the HSG. After that, I called the insurance company and gave them the codes. Because it was coded as a diagnostic procedure, I found out that our insurance company will cover the HSG 100%. Yay!

Fast forward to today, I call Dr. B's nurse. (Who by the way, is fairly new there. She wasn't the same nurse that I had when going through IVF. I loved that nurse.) Anyway, I call to set everything up for this cycle. She causally mentions that the HSG will be coded as infertility treatment. I didn't really think anything about the comment until I hung up the phone. WHAT??!!! So immediately I call back, only to get her voicemail (story of my life) and I leave a message saying that I had already spoke to the billing office, it is coded as a diagnostic procedure. Well, the nurse finally calls me back and says (and I quote) "Um...no. You are a patient here for infertility purposes, I am going to code this as infertility treatment." So at this point I am almost in tears. I tell her "I don't think that you understand. This is the ONLY thing that my insurance will pay for. We are using it as a diagnostic tool to make sure that my tubes are still clear. I had this same test three years ago, but I have had a miscarriage, pregnancy, and birth since then. A lot can change in three years. I need this to be coded as diagnostic otherwise we will not be doing the HSG or any more IUIs because we cannot afford the HSG out-of-pocket."

Sooooo, she gets all huffy and says "Look, I am very busy here. I can't talk about this right now. The billing person isn't here today so you will have to call back on Monday. I will need to talk about this with them and Dr. B."

So who knows. She is making me wait until Monday to figure this all out. I'm pretty pissed off at her. Mainly because she has always rubbed me the wrong way, but also because she has absolutely no compassion for people who have to go through this. She is making me me so upset because normally I am so happy with our RE's office. I normally love the staff and love Dr. B.

There is my lovely drama for today. So now I have to wait until Monday to figure out if we are even moving forward at all.

IUI #3, Cycle day 1

For some reason, the RE counts the next day as cycle day one, if your period starts after their office closes. Weird, but oh well.

So today is day one, I guess. Anyway, I spoke to the nurse and she said that Dr. B does want me to do Clomid this month. He also does want to do the HSG and another IUI. Basically we are giving it our best shot this month. Going all out, so to speak.

And away we go. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday at 10:30 to make sure that I have no cysts so that I can start the Clomid. If I don't have any, I will start Clomid that day. My HSG is going to be on the 15th at 10:45. Going to be a busy couple weeks.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

12

My 12th cycle has begun. Obviously, I was expecting it. Although that doesn't make it any easier.

I plan on calling Dr. B's office tomorrow to make arrangments for the next cycle.

Overall, feeling numb and sad.

He does have clothes...


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Snow day

Our first real snow of the year!


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Mr. Clean


Yes, the vacuum is on. No, I am not above having my 19 month old do house chores. =) And yes, my child does run around in a shirt and cloth diaper all the time.

Monday, January 5, 2009

IUI #2, Cycle day 27--Progesterone results and looking forward

Last week I had to get my progesterone levels drawn to confirm that I had ovulated. They do this when you are on Clomid to make sure that the Clomid didn't lead to ovulation failure. I called this morning to get my results. The level was at 28. Normal for that stage of my cycle. It indicates that I did in fact ovulate. So that is good news.

However, as I mentioned previously, PMS symptoms are mighty hard to ignore and I am sure that this cycle is a failure. I really don't mean to sound like a negative person and I a lot of people tell me not to give up hope until it is over. However, the thing about infertility (one of the positive aspects, I think) is that I know my body really well. I have learned that I experience these signs and on what days I can expect them, etc. So all in all, this is a good thing. I know my body really well. Naturally, I would gladly eat my words if I was wrong! So thanks so much for your support, and I hope that you all don't think that I am a Debbie Downer!

Anyway, I spoke with the nurse a little today about what we should do for the next cycle. Dr. B may want to another hysterosalpingogram (yeah, I can barely pronounce that) or HSG. I had one of these 3 years ago, when we were just beginning our treatment. The basic jist of the HSG is that they shoot dye up my uterus. Sounds fun right?! Not really. Anyway, during the "shooting up" they are watching the dye flow through my uterus and tubes on X-ray. So the entire time, I am perched on a skinny-ass X-ray table while three or four people stare at my crotch/ insides on a giant big screen. Yeah, not my idea of a good time. The purpose of the HSG is to make sure that my tubes are open and clear. Blocked tubes could result in the egg not making it down to the uterus.

The one up-side of the HSG is that it is said to increase fertility after the procedure. Something about clearing out small debris and any tiny blockages that could be impeding Mrs. Egg's arrival to the womb. And actually, Noel was conceived on the cycle after my HSG. So who knows.

I will let you know what Dr. B says and if we are going to do that next cycle. We probably won't be doing Clomid again. The side-effects sucked.

Yum!

Nathan eating some banana this morning. I noticed that he eats better out of the high chair. =)

P.S. This is my 200th post!!!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Dino-Might!

Nothing is sweeter than a baby who just woke up. :)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Hi Mom!

Nathan peeking in at mama. I love this kid.

Friday, January 2, 2009

A photo a day...


Inspired by Amanda's blog, I decided to take on the project of "a photo a day for 365 days". I think it will be so cool to look back through. I plan on printing them all and making a book for Nathan. :)

This is day 2. One of the pictures from the Christmas pictures post was actually taken yesterday, so that counts as my day 1. Here is Nathan and Lucy watching Daddy use his new leaf blower to clean off the porch. :)

Thanks for the idea, Amanda!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Some pictures from Christmas

Nathan's kitchen!
Our fireplace

Our tree on Christmas Eve


Nathan playing with a toy from Grandma

Nathan loves his kitchen! Day One of 365 Pictures Challenge

Mama's little chef

Nathan with Grandma and Grandpa on the Ohio River

Our family

Nathan and Daddy playing in Uncle Ben's car

Uncle Ben-Wearing boxing gloves and chaps. =)


Uncle Mitch

Me and my nephew Will

Nathan and Grandma

Opening presents

Brandon and Mitch playing Guitar Hero

Mommy and Nathan

My brother, Mike and my nephew, Will

Nathan looking pissed in Mitch's hat.
We had a wonderful Christmas!

Happy New Year!

2009 is here! This year went by really fast! It is hard to believe that Nathan will be 2 years old this year! :) I spent the New Year's Eve sick with the flu. Fun, fun. We were in bed by 10. Such party animals! Anyway,

My New Year's resolution:

To get pregnant.

That's it. Plain and simple.

My New Year's resolutions from last year were accomplished! I got caught up on my scrapbooking and lost a little weight. Granted, I have gained it back, but hey, I lost it in the first place! =)

So let's hope that 2009 brings love and joy to all of us!