Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hubby and I

At Jeff and Autumn's Wedding. :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Adventures in the OB world

Dear God. I really, really, really don't want to do this.

So after speaking with my midwives at my prenatal visit, they agreed that I probably should find an OB to provide back-up care.

The reasons for this are numerous.
1. If I go into pre-term labor, I will have some place to go and someone to attend to me and my babies.
2. If I develop a severe pregnancy complication, I can easily transition into the OB's care.
3. If there is an emergency during the homebirth, I can transfer to the hospital for care and not be at the mercy of the resident on-call.

However, this just sucks. It is nearly impossible to find an OB that does NOT view twin pregnancy and birth as a ticking time bomb. I don't want muliple ultrasounds, inductions, or c-section talk. I don't want someone to cut me down there, I don't want....this list will go on for days.

So I have been asking around my natural parenting boards for some recommendations of OBs in the area. I got three names. Well, today I made some phone calls. One isn't accepting new patients and one is on maternity leave. The other one will NOT work at all. First of all, I was on hold for 20 minutes just to get to the appointment desk. Second of all, the receptionist was a bitch. Straight up. I asked her if I could set up a consult to meet the doctor. She said "Oh we don't do that here. Your first visit is with our information coordinator. Your next visit is labwork and an ultrasound. After that you will see our nurse practitioner. Then on your fourth visit you will meet with one of the doctors(there are 10 in the freaking practice)." I said, "What if I don't want the labwork and ultrasound??" She said "Then we won't take you as a patient [um, aren't you supposed to be working for me?!] So I replied, "Yeah, no thanks, bye."

Dear heaven, do women really like this kind of treatment??? "Take a number and sit down, you may or may not see the doctor you want to see today." How can anyone want that for their pregnancy? I did learn (from the boards) that this doctor only takes call 3 days a month. 3 freaking days a month??!! So if you happen to go into labor on a day that your doctor is on call, you are lucky! But most likely you will be getting a stranger to come in, put his hands in your vagina, and charge you an extraordinary amount of money in the process. The thought is just mind-boggling to me. Really.

Anyway, I made an appointment with the one doctor who was on maternity leave. My appointment isn't until she gets back in August. But at least the receptionist seemed nice.

Geez, this totally sucks.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Some pictures of my sweetie

He is just adorable! I may be a bit biased though!

Nathan and Lucy

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

11 weeks

Here I am at 11 weeks! Getting so round! I had a prenatal visit yesterday and I measured 18 cms which is equivalent to 18 weeks! Yikes!

How I am feeling: I am slowly starting to feel better. My nausea lasts for much shorter periods of time now and that really makes life a lot easier. My nasal congestion has also started to decrease a little so I am breathing better at night. I am still fairly exhausted at the end of the day and sometimes I just don't want to move, but I think that is normal for pregnancy in general. I had a great midwife appointment yesterday! We heard both heartbeats on the doppler! One baby was on my left side and its heartrate was in the 140s. The other baby was on my right side and its heartrate was in the 160s. The midwife found them both easily so that really made me feel better. They were moving all around and kicking towards the doppler. I can't feel it yet but it was nice to hear it! I am growing just like I should, so that is comforting. Emotionally, I am doing ok. I am going to regular therapy sessions and really feel better after each one. Today, I actually wanted to go buy the babies something! I wanted to get them cute matching T-shirts, so that is a good sign.

What the babies are up to: From now until the 20th week of pregnancy the babies will increase their weight 30 times and will about triple in length. The blood vessels in the placenta are growing larger and multiplying. The babies' ears are moving up and to the side of the head this week. By the end of the week, the babies external genitalia will develop into a recognizable features. I can't wait to find out what they are! I am thinking two boys, but who knows!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dream about the babies...

I had a great dream about the babies the other night!!

As most of you know, Brandon and I are planning a homebirth. Well in my dream, I was in labor and ready to push and the midwives weren't here yet. I felt a sense of calm and pushed out the first baby. Apparently at this point I knew that Baby A was a boy, but we weren't able to find out the gender of Baby B. So baby A was born and I pulled him up and snuggled him close. He wasn't crying, just looking at his mama. I remember feeling so happy in the dream. My next round of contractions began and I started to push out Baby B. The feeling in my dream was so real, it was amazing. Out came Baby B, and I looked down and saw that it was another boy!! I held him close with his brother and remember feeling such love and happiness. I really hated to wake up from the dream.

I wonder if my dream will come true and it will be 2 boys?! I can't wait to find out!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

10 weeks

10 weeks today!

How I am feeling: Still pretty sick most of the time. Thankfully the number of sick hours is starting to decrease a little bit. I just have to keep eating every two hours or so. I am going to be as big as a house. :( Although so far, I haven't gained a single pound. Probably because of all the nausea. I still have the nasal congestion which is so annoying. Poor pregnant women need their are they supposed to get that if they can't even breathe?! I have been having some nice cravings lately. Mostly cereal with cold milk. Yum. Emotionally, I am finding that I am doing a bit better. Therapy is really helping me and it is nice to have that outlet. I am not cured by any means, but I am working towards feeling better. I am finding that I am wanting to see pictures of tiny twin babies and thinking about the logistics of caring for two and surprisingly, both of those things make me happy. I spoke with my mama yesterday and worked out a plan for help after the babies are born. Brandon will be home for the first week and then my mom will come every day for the next several weeks to help out. After that, she will take Nathan for a couple days a week so that I can be alone with the babies. That will help. I have a midwife appointment next week and I am really looking forward to hearing the heartbeats. Hopefully we find both. I am also going to speak with them about finding an OB for back-up care. Basically, I just don't want to show up at a hospital in pre-term labor with twins and not know the person that will be taking care of me. While I don't want to see an OB, I know that it is probably a good idea. In case of pre-term labor (watch me go overdue) or emergency transfer from home it will be nice to know someone there. I just have to find an OB that will be ok with me refusing all forms of testing, ultrasounds, vaginal exams, inductions, and c-section. Might have better luck finding that needle from the haystack....

What the babies are up to: The babies are about an inch long and weigh around 5 grams. They look much more like tiny humans now and each is officially called a fetus. Bones are beginning to form and the "tail" has disappeared. Each brain is growing rapidly (around 250,000 new neurons are formed each minute).

Thursday, June 11, 2009

More thoughts on OCD

So my therapy session was mostly a session directed towards my past birth trauma with Nathan and some guilt that I am carrying. I have always had anxiety but it seems since Nathan's birth, things have magnified. I have very obsessive thoughts and frequent flashbacks from that day. So I really have to work through that. As I said, my therapist thinks that I may have Obessive Compulsive Disorder. I just don't have the compulsion part (washing hands twenty times, etc.). I guess excessive guilt is a symptom of OCD. It feels so nice to have a word for what I am going through. She thinks that I have had it most of my life (makes total sense) and is also causing some of my insomnia. Anyway, we are going to be meeting once a week from now until the babies are born (and probably well after that).

I feel like OCD is such a daunting diagnosis. You hear a lot about that disorder and relate it to people having germ issues or having to close the door eight times before moving, etc. Even I never realized that you can have the obsession part without the compulsion part.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Therapy visit

Went awesome. She is a really nice doctor and very, very friendly. Her office is in an old Victorian house and doesn't feel "clinical" at all. It was so nice to talk to someone non-judgmental and open to anything I had to say. Her presence is very calming and she is really very personable.

Within the first half of the session, she told me that she is leaning towards a diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. As soon as she said this, it just clicked. It made so much sense to me as I have been this way my entire life.

I won't go into more details right now, but I feel like this is the best choice that I have made in a long time. I am looking forward to really working with her towards some personal goals of mine.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Thanks so much for the support.

But if one more person makes a snide comment to me about being grateful for what I have been given and to stop complaining, I will be making this blog private.

I have removed the anonymous option on this blog. You will have to sign into a google/ blogger/ Live journal/ Typepad account in order to post comments to this blog.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

8 weeks

A little late in posting this, but I will backdate it.

How I am feeling: Really, really, bad. I am sick a lot and really just don't have the energy to do anything. In fact, writing this post is taking a lot out of me! Other than the constant nausea, headaches, and tiredness, I am doing just ok. My nose is still congested so it makes it hard to sleep at night. I am hoping that clears up soon as it has been going on for over a month now. I have entered a deep depression now and it is really taking it's toll on me. I am lucky that I am able to recognize these symptoms and do something about it. I have my first visit with a therapist next Wednesday. I have a lot of issues to work out with this pregnancy. Some of it is related to the trauma that I have experienced in the past (Nathan's birth and actually getting pregnant). I wish that I could say that I am enjoying this pregnancy, but right now I can't. I am low in spirit and very emotionally worn-out. I have no idea if it is mostly related to my physical sickness or if there is something deeper. I am hoping to be able to work through this and get to place where I can feel better. I appreicate all of the emails and private messages of concern for my well-being. It has been noted that I am taking a break from the boards that I participate on. This is mainly because I feel that no one could possibly understand what I am going through right now. Not because I don't trust all of you to help me through this, but because there is nothing to be said that can make me feel "better" at this time. This is a journey that I alone must take. The only way that I can describe what I am feeling is the "stages of grief". I am busy grieving a normal pregnancy and postpartum period. While twins are a blessing yes, they also raise complication levels and frankly, I have had enough of that in my life to this point. Now, I will be closing the comments to this post. I do not need to hear how lucky I am to be pregnant (yes, I know that better than anyone) or how I will manage or how God never gives us more than we can handle. So as much as I love and care for all of you, I just need to not hear those things right now.

What the babies are up to: They are each a 1/2 inch long and way about one gram. They will form webbed fingers and toes this week. The eyelids are beginning to form. The heart rate has increased this week to about twice the amount of a normal adult.