Thursday, April 23, 2009

Same blog, new look

Just needed a change! :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

IUI #5, Cycle day 15

IUI went perfectly this morning. No problems at all. We should get the numbers back in a day or two.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

IUI #5, Cycle day 13--Ultrasound update

My ultrasound went perfectly this morning. We have two big, beautiful follicles measuring 20mms each. I couldn't ask for anything better. They want to see two follicles on 100mg of Clomid so I responded perfectly!

Now, we are waiting for the results of my bloodwork. They did two tests today, estradiol and LH. Estradiol measures the amount of estrogen in the bloodstream. The higher the estrogen level, the closer you are to ovulation. LH stands for luteinizing hormone. This is the hormone that surges immediately before ovulation. If my LH level is high, then I am already "surging" on my own and won't need the HCG injection. If my LH level isn't elevated, then I will need the HCG injection to signal my ovulation. If that is the case, Brandon has to give me an intramuscular injection tonight at 10:00pm.

I should hear about my bloodwork this afternoon. We are kind of hoping that my LH isn't surging on its own because I do want the HCG injection (weird to want more needles). I want the injection because it allows us to be more precise with the IUI. Because 36 hours after the HCG injection is when most women ovulate. We shall see...

Heard back from the nurse about my bloodwork:

My estradiol level was 352. Perfect for two follicles! :)

My LH level was 7. So I am NOT surging on my own!! YAY!

So, at 10:00pm tonight, Brandon will be giving my trigger shot (HCG) and my IUI is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 10:00am!

I have such a good feeling about this!!! WOOHOO!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Putting down the pump

After 20 and 1/2 months breastfeeding and 2 and 1/2 months pumping, it is time to say goodbye. And while I did not make it to my goal of 2 years, I came really close. 23 months of giving my baby the best milk. This is such a hard post to write. I sit here with tears streaming down my face because I realize that the bond between Nathan and I is so different than it was before.

It is hard to put into words how I feel about this. I am extremely sad and devastated that we had the sudden end to our nursing relationship. But I am also proud. Proud of myself for doing this. For sticking with something that long, for giving him the best start to life, and for knowing when it is time to say "enough".

This past week has hit me hard. I had a milk blister in my left nipple which caused excruciating pain. I could not pump on my left breast for several days because I almost passed out from the pain. My already dwindling supply took a hit that it could not recover from. The lack of pumping on that side plus the progesterone supplements from the last cycle has all but wiped out my supply. When I pump now, I am getting less than a teaspoon out.

And while I could keep up the pumping for another month to make it to my goal, I know that my sanity just can't take it. Pumping is hard work. I pump for at least an hour to get a teaspoon of milk. And while some may say that an hour isn't very long, when you have a toddler getting into everything, an hour chained to a pump is an eternity.

What sealed the deal for me was last night. I went to my homebirth support group meeting and a couple of La Leche League leaders attended to talk about breastfeeding in the few weeks after birth. At the end of the meeting I got to talking to them about Nathan's strike and my pumping. After I finished my story, one of the leaders (while nursing her 3 year old) said to me "It is ok to stop. You have done amazing." And I just started crying. She went on to say that she had never said those words because she always tried to fix breastfeeding issues and get nursing back on track. But she could tell that I was really devoted to breastfeeding and released me from my guilt.

It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. In some ways, I was holding onto pumping so that no one would think that I was a lesser mother (mainly myself). Breastfeeding was always something I could be so proud of (as you can tell from my blog posts about the subject). I am always advocating for others to breastfeed for two years and I felt like a fraud if I (of all people) couldn't make it.

But you know, I did make it. I did it. He has had no other milk for 23 months. And it is ok to say goodbye. So with that, I am no longer a nursing mama. I imagine that I will still feel guilt from time to time, but for the most part, I feel proud.
And with that I leave you with our last nursing picture. This was taken about a week before the strike started. I struggled to look at this before. Now, I see it for what it is. It is a picture of a beautiful toddler looking into his mother's eyes as he gets the ultimate comfort and nurturing.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Pictures from Easter!

Ready to go in his new earth-friendly Easter shirt!
Sitting so good for Mama! :)

My little sweetie

waiting for Grandma and Grandpa

Basket from the grandparents

Found an egg!

Cuddled up on the couch for a egg hunt break

Back at it!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Letter to my 23 month old boy..

Dear Nathan,

April is here! Spring is in full bloom. The weather is getting warmer by the day and you and I really enjoy spending time outside. The flowers and trees are waking up to see you!

You are 23 months old today! This has been a busy month. The biggest change has been the start of speech therapy. We have a therapy session every Tuesday morning. So far it is going well. We are hoping that you do well and start talking to us. So far we are working on getting you to use some signs. You have almost got the hang of signing "more". This is a learning process for both you and us! We love working with you though. You have other ways of getting us to understand what you want. For example, you bring your shoes, socks, and sweater to me at least 10 times a day so that we can go outside! You really hate it when it is raining! Today happens to be Easter! In our family, we celebrate Easter as the rebirth of the Earth and the arrival of spring. Thankfully it looks like it is going to be a wonderful day! On Friday we colored Easter eggs with Grandma! You weren't really all that interested yet. You just wanted to smash the eggs! Yesterday we went to see your Great-grandparents and had a family Easter egg hunt! You had lots of fun but it was so muddy out! You found 10 eggs and got lots of money and prizes. Today, Grandpa John and Grandma Kay are coming to see you! We are going to do another little egg hunt here so that they can see you find the eggs. In your Easter basket, Mama and Daddy gave you a new shirt that is Earth friendly, a container for your Goldfish (the snack), and lots of M&Ms! You love those!

So, sweet one, there is only one month left until your second birthday. I can't believe that you are going to be 2! These years have just flown by! But they have been filled with so much love and happiness. I love you so much, Nathan Cole!



Thursday, April 9, 2009

IUI #5, Cycle day 3

My ultrasound went perfectly this morning. No cysts or anything. So I start Clomid today (in fact I just popped my first pill). Although he raised my dose to 100mg. So hopefully this does the trick. On Sunday April, 19th, I go back in for an ultrasound/ bloodword to see how the eggs are doing. If all goes well, I will get a prescription for the HCG shot and take that home. Our IUI (only one this time because the trigger shot allows us to be more accurate) will be on the 21st.

Hopefully this continues to go well...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Vermont!! You are added to my "I heart you" list!

Vermont legalizes gay marriage!!!!!

Times are changing. Equality is going to happen!


Has begun.

I will update when I hear back from the doctor.

Finally heard back:

He wants us to go back on Clomid. Have one ultrasound around CD13 to confirm that I have follicles (eggs) forming. Then he wants me to get a HCG trigger shot to signal ovulation (overriding my own ovulation). Then we do one IUI on CD14 and one on CD15. Then back on progesterone after ovulation and re-check levels at 7 days post-ovulation to confirm proper progesterone rise. Holy smokes that is a lot of stuff. I am going to have to talk all this over with Brandon. $1500 later.....

Saturday, April 4, 2009

IUI #4 has failed.

Warning: I use some pretty strong language in this post. If that offends you, please don't read the following. I have tried to censor myself (the f word) but the words just poured out and I feel it would be doing myself an injustice not to type what I am feeling. Proceed....

I am just so f-ing pissed off. It is just so unfair. The time, the money, the hopes, and the dreams might as well be flushed down the damn toilet. Why are we even doing this anymore??!! Seriously, what is the f-ing point?! We will be moving on to cycle 15. 15!!!! Well over a year now. What the hell?! Why does God (or whoever) hate us this much? Is it because we don't go to church anymore? Or is it because He just doesn't hear our prayers anymore? Do prayers not count if not said in church? Well if so, that is bullshit. I am a good mother, damn it. And we both deserve to have more children added to our family without having to pay an arm and a leg for cycles that don't f-ing work! And damn it but people everyday (in my family especially) are having babies without even planning them. They are getting pregnant without even knowing what a f-ing miracle it is. They are having babies without even being in love with each other. And it is not fair.

I want to give up. I want to crawl into a hole and stop. I wanted so badly to have a baby this Christmas. This was our last chance to have a baby in 2009. And it's over.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Way to go Iowa!!

Iowa court legalizes gay marriage!

YAY!!!!! One step closer to equal rights!! I heart you Iowa!