Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Tuesday thoughts....

Some random thoughts....compiled neatly in one post for your viewing pleasure.

Brandon got a new job!! I am so thrilled for him. He will be making more money and the opportunity is one that he couldn't pass up. This also means that I can stay at home with Nathan longer. That is such a relief because there is no way that I could leave him.

Speaking of leaving Nathan...I realized that I won't be able to do this ever. :) I can barely let my mother-in-law old him. For example, Brandon and I went to a wedding this past weekend. Long story short, Brandon gave Nathan to his mother so that I could eat. Even though I didn't ask him to do that. I didn't even want to eat because I wasn't feeling well due to the fact that it was 85 freaking degrees in the reception room (more like a closet). Anyway, my mother-in-law held Nathan and I was watching like a hawk. Then she disappeared around the corner and I nearly had a panic attack. I proceeded to run over there so that I could supervise (she is not one to bring him to me if he is crying, but that is a whole different story). Of course, as soon as Nathan saw me, he started to fuss and wanted me to hold him. :) So I got my baby back and didn't let go the rest of the night. Some people may call me overprotective, and maybe you are right, but when you have gone what I have gone through to have this baby, you can talk to me about overprotection.

Speaking of what I have gone through to have this baby....(notice how all my thoughts just kind of run together). This time last year, I was giving myself shots four times a day in preparation for IVF. I can hardly believe that it has been over a year since our IVF cycle began. Our IVF cycle was one of the most scary segments of my life. I try not to think about what might have happened if it didn't work. I look down at Nathan (who is napping on mama right now) and wonder what might have been if our cycle didn't succeed. For one, I would need to be in some sort of therapy. I would have fallen into a depression so deep, it would have taken months for me to surface again. Brandon and I would, no doubt, have serious marital issues. I often ask Brandon what we would have done next on our quest to have a baby if IVF didn't work. He tells me he honestly doesn't know. We most likely would have moved to donor sperm because there would have been no way we could have afforded another IVF cycle. Just the thought of donor sperm makes me sad. One of the greatest things about having a baby with the man you love is looking down at my child's sweet face and seeing part of his father. Nathan has his Daddy's eyes. They are the kind of eyes that can change color in a matter of seconds. Some times they are the brightest green and sometimes they are the deepest brown. It is amazing. I thank God that IVF worked. I owe my heart, soul, and entire world to the miracle that is IVF.

Speaking of infertility...I have a very dear friend. I will call her "H". H is one of the sweetest and most amazing women I have ever known. She has a remarkable sense of self and a remarkable amount of faith in God. H also struggles with infertility. It makes me so sad that a woman like this, who is obviously going to be a fantastic mother, has to wonder if she will ever get the chance to have a baby. H is scared to get her hopes up because she has been let down for so many months. I sincerely hope that H reads this and realizes that there is nothing wrong with a little hope in the world. Hope is what makes the world go round. Hope and mothers like her make the world go round. And yes, I called her a mother, because her baby is simply waiting in heaven.

And that, dear friends, is the end of Tuesday's thoughts...stay tuned for next week. Yes, I plan to make this a weekly installment.


Erin said...

If you're over protective, then I am too! I rarely let anybody hold Rachael, and I've only left her with Daddy.

Congrats on Brandon's job, that's awesome you can stay home with Nathan longer.

Emily said...

I hope H reads this too. She will be an amazing mother.

marshad said...

I got all teary reading what you said about "H"... You're absolutely right!

AZ said...

I was the same way with my son! Its the first born thing compounded by your experience with infertility. I also had fertility issues, but never did anything about it because I didn't want to hear some doctor tell me I couldn't have babies. I was heartbroken. So my husband and I tried and tried and seven years later I realized one day that I hadn't menstruated in quite some time. I took a PG test and sure enough...two pink lines! So I had my son and he seems to have cured my fertility problems because 18 months later I got pregnant with twins (while I was still nursing him!). I was told that can happen...that once you get pregnant it gets easier to have more. Apparently that is true in my case. I hope its the same with you if you want more kids. Fertility treatments are so expensive. My SIL is undergoing fertility treatments, too, and it makes me so sad to see what she and my brother are going through. They've had two treatments (turkey baster method) and neither one worked. So now they have to go the IVF route. She will be an amazing mother, too, so I pray she gets pregnant.

Heather said...

Tears, tears and more tears....I love you, Mandie. Thank you for your incredible friendship, and girls for all of yours as well. God knew I would be a complete mess in this without all of you. And I needed this today...I didn't see it before, but I think He kept me seeing it so I would have it on a day I really needed it. To know I am being thought about and prayed for so much is such an amazing feeling. I have the best friends in the world.