My two sweeties...

This was taken a couple of weeks ago, but I realized that I never posted it. I love this picture of the two of them. So sweet. Makes my heart smile.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful day everyone! Enjoy the time you spend with your families!

I am so thankful for:
Brandon and Nathan- We have such a strong love between us. They light up my whole world.
My mom- She is so amazing. I don't know what I would do without her.
My family- We are loud and crazy sometimes, but I am so thankful that I have them in my life.
Our house- It is so nice to have a place to call our own. I love waking up here each day. I am looking forward to decorating for Christmas tomorrow!

IUI #1, Cycle Day 14, IUI update

We are back!

Everything went just great. No problems and very smooth.

Nurse said that the initial counts looked good. Although we won't know the actual numbers until Monday because they take a couple of days to count up. But she did say that they wouldn't do the IUI if they didn't think that the counts were good enough. So that is good news. Anyway, I am resting on the couch today. Hanging out at home, my mom is watching Nathan and is going to bring him back this afternoon. Brandon went in to work for a couple of hours but he is bringing back some Mexican food tonight. He was really sweet in the IUI room. Held on to my belly and said "Let's make a baby!" It was nice to have him there with me and holding my hand.

Several people have asked me if an IUI hurts. Not really no. They place a speculum, similar to a pap smear. I felt a slight pinching when the catheter passed through my cervix and some mild cramping afterwards. Now I feel normal.

So we will know in 12-14 days! :)

IUI #1, Cycle Day 14, IUI today!

Well we are off to have our IUI! :) I'm feeling really good this morning. Ready to get the show on the road. I will update when I get back.

IUI #1, Cycle day 13

I got a peak reading on my monitor this morning!! So I have been on the phone for an hour trying to coordinate schedules. Had to call hubby, my mom, and the fertility office. Back and forth...

Anyway, Brandon's appointment is tomorrow at 9:30 and mine is at 11:00. They have to have time to wash and prepare the sperm so that is why there is a gap in timing.

Hopefully, everything goes well. My mom is keeping Nathan tomorrow. And I plan on resting the rest of the day. Dr. B doen't really require bedrest per se but I figure that it can't hurt. Don't want the little swimmers to be caught in gravity and fall out. Am I paranoid? Um...yeah.

The timing actually isn't what we were hoping for as Brandon will have to take off work to be there. But, it is what it is.

So tomorrow is the big day! I'm excited and nervous. Feeling good some moments and not so good the next.

I will update after our appointment tomorrow. Wish us luck!

IUI #1, Cycle Day 11

I got a high reading on my monitor today. One step closer to peak! It set in this morning that this is actually happening. I'm really excited but so nervous at the same time.

In a moment of panic, I almost thought about not doing the IUI this month. I'm scared about having another child. How on Earth could I possibly love another child as much as I love Nathan? Would that child not mean as much to me as he does? How can I divide my love and time between two? The love I have for Nathan is like nothing I have ever felt before. Will I be able to experience that same feeling again?

I was told by my mom that it is a common fear that all mothers have. She said that no matter how many children you have you love them all. Hearts just keep growing. :) That made me feel a little better, so for now, the panic has subsided and we are all set to go!

Some months I have two/three days of high before a peak reading and some months I have six/seven days of high before a peak reading. It just all depends. :)

IUI #1, Cycle Day 9

My monitor prompted me to test this morning. And today is CD9 and I am at Low fertility. Exactly what I would expect at this time in my cycle. If you aren't sure what I mean by monitor. I will explain. I use a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor.


This little contraption is genius. It detects rises in TWO hormones during the menstrual cycle. Luteinizing hormone and estrogen. Estrogen increases the closer that a woman gets to ovulation. When a high level of estrogen is detected the monitor will switch from saying "low" to "high" fertility. LH increases when ovulation is imminent. When a high level of LH is detected, the monitor will switch from "high" to "peak" fertility. When I see peak fertility, I will call the office and have my IUI the next day.


The monitor also has a built-in computer. It keeps track of your cycles over months or years and will prompt you to test whenever it thinks that you are getting close. For example, earlier on in my monitor usage, it had me test on CD7. Now that it knows that I am a late ovulator, it waits until CD 9 to have me start testing.


The monitor is kinda pricey, however, worth it! It takes all the guesswork out of the equation. No more going blind from trying to read ovulation sticks. :) Plus it lasts forever! I have been using this since we were trying to get pregnant the first time.

Granted, I pretty much know when I am ovulating anyway. I am a pro at this, afterall. I feel a twinge and know that I just popped out an egg. When you have been trying a long time, you just learn to look for these things. :) However, the monitor is nice because we really have to be precise in our TTC efforts. It is comforting to have outside assurance.

Going back to work, for real this time!

So I have talked about going back to work in some past posts. But nothing has really called to me, and no position really fit my needs.

Before I had Nathan, I worked as a RN at a freestanding birth center (I say freestanding because some hospitals are calling their OB units 'birth centers' and it can get confusing). Anyway, this place is basically like an old house that midwives have converted into a birthing center. It is a really nice place and I loved working there. I was actually the head RN there and really enjoyed my job. The one drawback to working there was the fact that toward the end (and one of the main reasons that I stopped working there) I started to disagree with one of the midwives. We just had a lot of friction between us and I would have handled some clients a little differently. Incidentally, she was also my midwife and the person that was present at Nathan's birth. So that had a lot to do with it. If you aren't aware, my birth with Nathan was very traumatic for me and one of the main reasons that I will never step foot in a hospital to give birth again. Anyway, so we didn't really get along well. However, I loved the other midwives in the practice. They were and are amazing women and I really enjoy working with them. I loved the office ladies. Super cool and easy going.

Well, low and behold, last week. The office manager, who I absolutely adore, called and said that the midwife that I had issues with has decided to leave the practice. The office manager asks me if I would be willing to come back! And of course, I said yes!

Being a birthing center, the hours will be very sporadic. I will "take call" on the weekends. And if someone happens to go into labor on my call shift, I will go in. The great thing about this is that I can still be a SAHM through the week. I don't have to give up time spent with Nathan. And if I do need to go in, Brandon will be here with Nathan, so we don't have to worry about any sort of day care situation.

It is also great because I love working with laboring mamas and their families. I love making sure that they get the birth that they have dreamed of. I love seeing babies come into this world naturally and the way that they are meant to arrive. I love the spirit in the birthing rooms. So calm and peaceful, yet so full of love and life force.

So I am pretty excited about going back. The office manager sent me some tax paperwork and I got that all filled out. I should start taking call in December!

So this is love...a story of a feminist who happens to be a romantic

My blog title "So this is love" comes from the movie Cinderella. Cheesy, right? Yeah, yeah, read on....

So Cinderella had a rough go of it. She was stuck in this house with three hags who ran her life. Poor Cindy. Left alone by her dad and now nothing but a maid (Granted a blonde, super-skinny maid with freakishly small feet, but I digress.) So the feminist in me thinks that Cindy should have pulled herself up by her bootstraps, got the hell out of there, put herself through college, and moved on. I mean, why on Earth was she just waiting around for a proverbial prince to come and take her away? What kind of message does this send young girls? That they need some man or even just someone else in general to save them. But the romantic in me, still cries every time I see that movie.

So Cindy and I have nothing in common. I'm a brunette with "more to love" for one thing. ("More to love" is my code name for plump.) I am not generally sweet or good-natured, as I can be downright sarcastic. I wasn't really oppressed growing up. I had what I now call, the "typical American" upbringing. Sure, we had lots of money issues and my parents divorced and remarried, thus bringing on the explosion of siblings. But honestly, who doesn't have a story like this anymore? I mean, the divorce rate in this country is out of control, but there I go on a tangent again. Anyhoo, my childhood was ok. Thankfully, I had an amazing Mama who is my best friend and generally the coolest person I know. And as a bonus, she never forced me to clean the cinders.

So in the beginning of the movie I always feel so sorry for Cinderella. I mean, clearly all the oppression has caused the poor girl to go nutso. She is talking to birds and mice and must be on some sort of mood elevator because no one can be that happy all the time. Anyway, the part that always brings me to tears isn't the end of the movie when we know that happily ever after has arrived. It is the part when she goes to the ball and has met the love of her life. Her world changes in an instant and her view of it is somehow even rosier than before. She sings that song, "So this is love". She never knew love like that existed and it chokes me up every time.

So where do my two sides meet? On one hand I am a feminist in that Cindy should do for herself and be her own person. But on the other, I am a romantic who adores Cindy's happiness over her prince.

For anyone that has known me for awhile, you know that I had never met my romantic side before I met Brandon. The feminist in me laughed at Cindy and her stupidity. Then, as cliche as it may sound, Brandon turned on the light switch and overnight, the romantic in me set up camp. How else would the raging feminist turn into a housewife? As a side note, Bitch and Animal have a song called "Feminist housewives" and it rules.

So this is love

So this is love, Mmmmmm

So this is love

So this is what makes life divine

I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm

And now I know

The key to all heaven is mine

My heart has wings, Mmmmmm

And I can fly

I'll touch every star in the sky

So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of

MmmmmmMmmmmm

So this is love

The verdict

Well, we are going to go for it!

I realized that it is my fear of the unknown that made me hesitate. And fear is never a good reason not to do anything.

I think that my cycle was long this month for a reason. I think that it was meant to work out that way so that we could go ahead and get started.

So away we go!

CD 2 today. The plan is to call when I see a peak reading on my monitor. Then the very next day I go in for my IUI. We are going tonight to pick up some more test strips for my monitor and some more prenatal vitamins, just in case.

Tick, tock

So I have to let Dr. B's office know by today at 12. They like to know on cycle day 1 or 2 if an IUI needs to be planned.

Brandon and I talked about it all last night.

Something is holding me back. My gut is telling me that it isn't my time yet. And the last time I didn't listen to my gut, it was the biggest mistake of my life. But why is my gut telling me that? It seems weird. Or is it my gut at all? Is it my fear talking?


If it doesn't work:

-Then we will know that several cycles are going to be needed.

-I could lose my faith in the fact that I could actually get pregnant this way.

-Will it dampen my spririt for the Christmas holidays? I'm not sure. Part of me isn't even expecting it to work. Is that the right attitude to have?! No. Although, I can't be too positive because I would crush me if it weren't successful.

-Will it make me regret not waiting until January?

-Will it make me dread January and trying another cycle?

-Will I scold myself for being impatient? Probably. This is how I work. :)



If it does work:

-I can deal with having an August baby. I can deal with being big and pregnant in the heat. We can add another holiday to my birthday and our anniversary month.

-Can I let go of the vision of a winter baby? Probably. I would be pregnant on the Christmas holiday. I remember that time with Nathan. It was so special.



As you can see there are a lot of things going through my head right now. It kept me up last night (go figure) and it helps to write all my thoughts down. I will let you know what I decide. Brandon gave me the go ahead to make the call. However I was feeling today is what I should go with, he said. Thankfully, he is on board either way.

Talk me into it...

Brandon is trying to talk me into doing an IUI cycle this month!!! Eek...

We orginally wanted to wait until January mainly because we didn't want to have to deal with the holidays and organizing my cycle around it. Well, with my long cycle this month, it puts me ovulating after Thanksgiving.

Pros:
- This actually times out perfectly. Brandon wouldn't have to take a day off work because most likely I would ovulate that weekend after Thanksgiving (if I continue to go along the same rate I have been).
-Allows us to go ahead and get started.

Cons:
-Can I get myself in the right frame of mind in the next 14 days?! Seems so sudden. But then again, we have been trying for 9 cycles, so what are we waiting for?!
-If this cycle is successful, I would be due in late August. I have always envisioned a winter baby this time around, but as Brandon put it, "beggers can't be choosers." LOL! And air-conditioning is a wonderful invention!

Ugh. Can't decide.

10

Cycle 10 has begun. Ugh. I just don't know why we even bother anymore?! Why don't we just save our sanity and not try until we do our IUIs. I mean, clearly, what we are doing isn't working. As you can see I am a tad bitter this morning. Had a really long 34 day cycle last month. Overall feeling really craptastic.

Such a short blog post. Oh well. These posts about my cycle are more for my record keeping anyway.

Letter to my eighteen month old boy....

Dear Nathan,

November is here and today you are 18 months old!!! A year and a half has gone by so quickly. It seems like just last week was your birthday party! You are just growing up so fast, I see parts of the sweet little baby changing into the fun toddler every day.

You are around 32 inches tall and 27lbs. You are so active and rambunctious. You love to climb. You have learned to pull your car over to the table so that you can climb up. You really enjoy climbing up to the light switches. You think that it is hilarious too see the lights go on and off. You are a very picky eater. Sometimes you like certain foods and the other days you don't. You throw anything that you don't like. It can get pretty messy around here. Thankfully, you are still nursing! 18 months was Mama's original goal and we made it! I am so happy that I could do this for you! Something new this month is your use of a fork. You have really mastered that skill and you now prefer the fork over using your hands. You haven't quite figured out the spoon just yet. Now that colder weather has arrived, you are beginning to go stir-crazy from being in the house. You really love being outside and it is hard to tell you that we can't go. We have been doing other things like going to the KidsZone here in town. It has bounce houses that you really like. You love to jump around and fall down. You still aren't very verbal with us yet. You are constantly talking in your own language and you get frustrated when we don't understand you. You really understand us though. We say "Let's go get Lucy!" and you run back to her crate. We say "Are you thirsty?" and you run over to the fridge. I can't wait until you can tell us what you are wanting. Hopefully soon. Speaking of Lucy, you love her. You have some of your best moments of the day playing with her. You crack up every time she chases you around. This past month was Halloween. You went trick-or-treating for the first time! You were a punk rocker. So cute!

I can't believe that you are 1 and a half! We have such a good time together, you and me. I love playing with you during the day. I love watching you learn new things and be a rough and tumble boy. You are such a cool kid!

Love You,

Mama

Happy Birthday Honey!

This is me....eating all your yummy cake because you are gone!! :) Love you so much! --PB