Tuesday, June 2, 2009

8 weeks

A little late in posting this, but I will backdate it.

How I am feeling: Really, really, bad. I am sick a lot and really just don't have the energy to do anything. In fact, writing this post is taking a lot out of me! Other than the constant nausea, headaches, and tiredness, I am doing just ok. My nose is still congested so it makes it hard to sleep at night. I am hoping that clears up soon as it has been going on for over a month now. I have entered a deep depression now and it is really taking it's toll on me. I am lucky that I am able to recognize these symptoms and do something about it. I have my first visit with a therapist next Wednesday. I have a lot of issues to work out with this pregnancy. Some of it is related to the trauma that I have experienced in the past (Nathan's birth and actually getting pregnant). I wish that I could say that I am enjoying this pregnancy, but right now I can't. I am low in spirit and very emotionally worn-out. I have no idea if it is mostly related to my physical sickness or if there is something deeper. I am hoping to be able to work through this and get to place where I can feel better. I appreicate all of the emails and private messages of concern for my well-being. It has been noted that I am taking a break from the boards that I participate on. This is mainly because I feel that no one could possibly understand what I am going through right now. Not because I don't trust all of you to help me through this, but because there is nothing to be said that can make me feel "better" at this time. This is a journey that I alone must take. The only way that I can describe what I am feeling is the "stages of grief". I am busy grieving a normal pregnancy and postpartum period. While twins are a blessing yes, they also raise complication levels and frankly, I have had enough of that in my life to this point. Now, I will be closing the comments to this post. I do not need to hear how lucky I am to be pregnant (yes, I know that better than anyone) or how I will manage or how God never gives us more than we can handle. So as much as I love and care for all of you, I just need to not hear those things right now.

What the babies are up to: They are each a 1/2 inch long and way about one gram. They will form webbed fingers and toes this week. The eyelids are beginning to form. The heart rate has increased this week to about twice the amount of a normal adult.