Saturday, April 4, 2009

IUI #4 has failed.

Warning: I use some pretty strong language in this post. If that offends you, please don't read the following. I have tried to censor myself (the f word) but the words just poured out and I feel it would be doing myself an injustice not to type what I am feeling. Proceed....

I am just so f-ing pissed off. It is just so unfair. The time, the money, the hopes, and the dreams might as well be flushed down the damn toilet. Why are we even doing this anymore??!! Seriously, what is the f-ing point?! We will be moving on to cycle 15. 15!!!! Well over a year now. What the hell?! Why does God (or whoever) hate us this much? Is it because we don't go to church anymore? Or is it because He just doesn't hear our prayers anymore? Do prayers not count if not said in church? Well if so, that is bullshit. I am a good mother, damn it. And we both deserve to have more children added to our family without having to pay an arm and a leg for cycles that don't f-ing work! And damn it but people everyday (in my family especially) are having babies without even planning them. They are getting pregnant without even knowing what a f-ing miracle it is. They are having babies without even being in love with each other. And it is not fair.

I want to give up. I want to crawl into a hole and stop. I wanted so badly to have a baby this Christmas. This was our last chance to have a baby in 2009. And it's over.

7 comments:

April said...

I'm very sorry sweetie! I truely understand your feeling and emotions! Hugs sweetie!

Rachael Isaacson said...

I am so sorry Mandie...I feel your pain in your words and I wish I had something brilliant to say to make you feel better.

Andrea said...

I'm so so sorry Mandie. My heart completely breaks for you and I wish there was something I could do to make the hurt go away. I do believe in letting yourself feel all of these things, though, and don't listen to anything or anyone that says you 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel. Just feel what you are feeling. ((((HUGS))))

Jamie said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words I could say here that would make any sort of difference. I'm just so sorry.

Adele said...

I'm so sorry.

Sarah said...

Hi..I stumbled upon your blog whilst looking around. I feel your pain. We've been TTC for 20 months. No luck. It starts to all feel hopeless after a while. But, I know that eventually it'll all be worth it.

Hang in there.

Mandie said...

Thank you all for the love and support.

Sarah- Welcome! I am so sorry to hear of your TTC troubles. ((hugs))