Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's over.

Sadly, I don't think that Nathan will return to nursing. We are now 3 days into our strike and he won't even let me hold him.

I am beyond heartbroken. I miss that connection I had to him. I miss looking down into his sweet face. I miss the milky smiles he would give me when he was done. I miss watching him drift off to sleep with a look of pure peace. I miss breathing him in and cherishing his baby smell. I miss his little hand cupped over my breast. I miss him kicking his feet in excitement. I miss him running over to me with a big smile, when I sat down in our nursing place.

I'll never have that again. And my heart hurts.

4 comments:

Please Press Pause said...

Oh Mandie, I am so sorry to hear you are hurting like this. It is such a difficult thing navigating a nursing relationship, you never know who is in charge. Every day Jules takes one step closer to complete independence from me part of me hurts terribly knowing how much I am going to miss it, and only a small part of me is excited about the future. Either way I don't think I will ever be ready for it, and I am so sorry that it came in such an abrupt way for you. I wanted to make it to two years as well, but in the last week he's dropped to only two sessions a day. I think the end is coming sooner than I had hoped as well. So many emotions are tied to all the moments you spend holding them in your arms, looking into their eyes. Especially when it is something you have been doing for what feels like forever. I hope that you can look back on your amazing success nursing Nathan as long as you have, and remember that you and your body have done an amazing thing for him. You are a wonderful mama, and Nathan is so lucky to have a mama who loves him so powerfully.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry :(

Kristi said...

I'm sorry Mandie..I know the feeling. It is a sad thing to go through, but just look back on all the wonderful memories you do have with Nathan and nursing.

Holly - Lilly's Mommy said...

im so sorry mandie. i know how much this meant to you! I;ll be thinking of you! HUGS